Warning Signs

Now that i have had the chance to express my feelings to my MW and get her response, i have had some time to think back on my experience with her. I realize that, in fact, she is not a very good MW at all. I am on a site called DiaperSwappers.com and there are SO MANY women on there that have experience with MWs and how they should be doing things. She was off the ball on SO MANY different things. I am also a part of another DS, called DailyStrength.com, where i am a part of a WONDERFUL group of women who have endured the tragedy of stillbirth. There were a lot of warning signs my MW should have seen and had me go in for a BP (Bio-physical profile) of Stella.

1. I was continually measuring over my EDD, sometimes up to 8cm. over!
2. Stella was transverse or breach most of my pregnancy. I believe mostly because of the position of the placenta. But this is one thing Dr.s look at as a warning sign that something is not right.
3. My continued Braxton Hicks contractions, that started from a very early time in my pregnancy, about 18weeks that can be a sign of distress on the  baby.
4. My low blood pressure through out my pregnancy.
5. My anemia. ( you should be at least a 10 and i was at a 9) doesn't seem too low, but in fact it is.
6. Her lack of movement the day before her death at my appointment. She should NOT have blown it off as "the baby dropped, is engaged and ready for delivery" She should have also NOT had the assistant do the entire appointment. I am ALL for helping others learn, but she should have taken the initiative to do the entire appointment over herself AFTER the assistant. Then she could've had the chance to listen to Stella's HB longer.
7. My measurement dropped 6cm. since my last appointment the week prior. Which could indicate that my amniotic fluids were low and baby was in distress. Not just brush it off like she "dropped" Which in fact she had not, i was still -3 station the day i went into the hospital.

This must have been the sign she was looking at.......

I am SO disappointed in myself for trusting someone who obviously didn't deserve the trust. I should have listened to my mind that was telling me "GO TO THE HOSPITAL" and not my heart that wanted SO BADLY to have a home birth. She wasn't there for me and i can clearly see why. She KNOWS she messed up and it cost my daughters life. But instead of taking the responsibility and truely coming to me to apologize and HELP me, she abandoned me and ran away from the entire situation. Leaving me grieving this even harder. Because of her decision to ditch me, i now question just about everything i believe in deeply. I believed her. I was wrong. I was SO WRONG about just about EVERYTHING durring this entire pregnancy. My hearts desire for this experience blinded me from all the warning signs. I BET if i wouldn't have contacted her asking for my check back, she wouldve NEVER sent it and i i wouldn't have contacted her to express my feelings she wouldve NEVER contacted me at all. I am so disappointed. What an aweful tragedy and i got such a shit end of the whole thing. My poor baby Stella. GOD do i miss her!!!! I miss the dreams and aspirations i had for her. WHY THE HELL DIDNT I SEE!?!?!? Why didnt i just go to the hospital earlier?? I was just minutes too late.

I know i cant change anything, i hate that fact honostly. I have to find a way to forgive myself for this and (the ugly words) accept the fact that i cant change it and she is gone. I hate myself for that. I can image Matt does too. No wonder he doesnt want anymore children with me. I totally fucked up. I am so sorry.

Stella,
God bless your little heart that never had the chance to beat outside my womb, your beautiful perfectly formed lungs that never got to breathe the air of this earth, your gorgeous eyes that i never had the chance to see and that you never had the chance to use outside of my body. God bless those tiny little red lips that will never get the chance to speak the words "mommy, i love you" or kiss me goodnight. Those adorable little ears that will never get the chance to hear me speak your beautiful name, or hear the sweet sounds of music, or the joy in your brother or sister's voice on how excited they are to have a little sister. We miss you baby girl.  I am so sorry i didn't listen to my head and i was so selfish all i wanted was that dream of a home birth to come true and it cost you your beautiful little life. I worked so hard on creating that perfect little body and i was too damn selfish to give you the chance by just listening to your daddy and sticking it out with the OB. We could have saved your precious little life. I am so sorry Stella. I pray to God he gives me another chance to be your mommy here on this Earth. I promise i will do whatever it is that i have to do to give you the best life here on this Earth. I know it doesnt compare to what God has for you but we need you here, i need you.  I miss you and i love you baby girl.
XOXO
~Mommy