The day Stella was born into heaven.......

Thursday Oct 28th, 2010.

I was 37weeks 4 days pregnant with our 3rd, and what we were calling, our last addition to the family. Everything was in place, planned, prepped and ready for her arrival. I had been preparing for my first natural home birth for the last 9 months and was extremely excited for labor to begin. The entire pg was excellent, healthy and the most active baby i have ever carried. I thought for sure she was going to be a huge child and very active (that or there were 2 in there!)
The day before i had my 37/38 week MW appmt. and everything looked great. I was told that baby had dropped and was engaged, she was ready to join us at anytime, any day. I prepped the birth pool and got all the HB stuff in one spot, ready to go. Baby wasn't moving as much as usual and I mentioned that to my MW but she told me baby was just settling and getting ready to join us.
Thursday morning i woke up at about 4:30 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. At 5 am DH woke up and got ready for work. He left at 6am and i decided to get out of bed. I noticed baby hadn't moved since i woke so i started playing with my belly, still no movement. DS woke up and started playing with the baby too....still nothing. I made coffee in hopes to get her going....nothing. I did get a shift at 7:15 when i placed my warm cup on her back. At 9 i was beyond worried and called the MW, no answer. I called the clinic, they told me they'd have the nurse call me back. @ 9:30am i talked with the nurse and she insisted i come up to the hospital and have a NST. I went up immediately after dropping the kids off at my sisters. There i met up with a friend who was due just a few days before me. We chatted for 30 mins before i was called back. The nurse had me take a urine sample then hooked me up to a Doppler. Baby's HB sounded great at 141. I laid back and started reading a magazine when DH arrived. We sat for a min listening to the sweet sound of our child's heartbeat feeling relieved she was still kickin it in there. Suddenly her HB dropped, then picked back up. then dropped again. The machine started alarming and DH went to find a nurse. She came in and was instantly concerned. She called in the Dr. They tried finding the HB again and couldn't. So we were sent to L&D. We walked over with the OB and she had me change into a gown, stared an IV, and hooked up the monitors again. The OB checked me and found my cervix was only 30% effaced, -3 station and 1cm dilated. Not favorable for induction. The baby's HB then again went from the 140s down to 120s to 20s them 40s then gone. OB then had me sign a CS waiver. she sat with me for only a couple mins trying to find the HB, after a min. she stated that they had to do an emergency CS and i would have to be knocked out, they had no time for an epi. So off i went into surgery. This was at 11:15am I cried as they stripped my belly and gassed me. i prayed.
Then all went black.
I woke up as they were pulling me off the operating table and wheeling me to recovery, i couldn't open my eyes and was in excruciating pain. I remember seeing DH on his phone and the nurses who wouldn't even look at me. I knew something was not right and then managed to ask if the baby was OK. The nurse didn't even look at me and simply said the Dr. would be in to talk with me in a min. I closed my eyes knowing what was going to be told to me. The Dr came in, crying to tell me that my daughter didn't make it. That they tried everything in their power to start her heart when she was born to no avail. My pastor came in and said a prayer and blessed the baby. She was born still at 11:27am on Oct 28th 2010. She was 7lbs1oz and 19inches long.
All i could do was cry. I asked God to put me back to sleep. I slept for a little while then woke to DH sitting next to me crying. We sat and cried together.
It took me a long time to talk at all, even to DH. He shared with me the experience of our child's birth and how hard the Dr's and nurses tried to revive our baby girl. how helpless he felt not being able to do a thing for our baby and how hard it was to see me laying on the table, unaware of what was occurring, cut open and asleep with tubes coming out of every part of my body.
After a couple of hours, when the drugs started waring off, i felt it, pain that wasn't just physically excruciating, but emotionally crushing. My child was no longer in me, happily kicking my ribs and poking my hips. She wasn't in my arms or suckling my breasts. She was cold and alone in a separate nursery than all the living babies. She was gone. And i was left in pain, cut open, emptied and heart broken.
I told the nurses that i didn't want to see anyone, and to keep all visitors away. There was no one i wanted to see but DH. After a few hours of us just sitting and crying he mentioned bringing in the baby so we could see her, name her, hold her and say our goodbyes. It took me a long time to accept that it was something that needed to be done. He went and got her and brought her in.
We held her, cried over her and named her. Stella Grace~ My little star in heaven. She was just perfect, so beautiful, she looked just like her older sister. Brown curley hair with tints of red, thin red lips and chubby little cheeks. Long crooked toes and huge feet. Everything about her was just perfect. She looked like she was just peacefully sleeping and that at any moment she would wake up and cry to be held to my breast. She smelt sooooo good, like the sweetest little angel, a smell i will never forget.
DH held her, and wrapped her in a blanket, and talked to her, kissed her and told her how much we loved her and how absolutley perfect she was.
I couldn't understand how a child so perfect couldn't be living, breathing, cryng, warm. I still dont get it. There was nothing wrong with her, the plecenta or the cord. She just didn't make it and we will never know why.
Later that night we had my parents visit and our children. They went down to the nursery and held her. Our kids were strong and i am glad they had a chance to meet Stella, their little angel sister.
Friday was a hard day, to wake up knowing God never let me go back, as much as i prayed to go back and do it differently, to wake up with Stella still in my womb. It wasn't fair, what did i do to deserve this pain, this anguish, why didn't God have mercy on me? My child? My husband and children? I was angry all day, and sad, and cried. My sisters visited me on friday as well. I am glad i could see them, for theyve been a huge part in helping me heal. So supportive and helpful. They brought me coffee, subway, went and cleaned my house and stocked my fridge, took my children to play with their cousins and were just there to cry with me. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for all they do.
By saturday i had to get strong, we were going home and had to plan a funeral for our little girl. We had a photographer come and take professional pics of Stella, i am hoping i can get those today. The nurses made a box of keepsakes and took pictures of Stella as well. They broght that in for me to look at. She is just so beautiful. I was wheeled out with no child, just a box of memories of a child i once carried in my womb, held once in my arms and now only get to hold in my heart. Life is not fair.
I am in pain still today, as my milk came in last night. MY incision is painfull too. i can barley walk the pain is so much. I am taking pain killers (which i am usually DEAD against pharmesuticals) but i need them, the pain is so much. It helps numb more than just my body too. I hate saying that, and i know ill have to face my emotions once again sober. but for now i cant.
I have been looking at others memorials too, which helps me feel not as alone. I know ill have to find someone to connect with through this. I found out just yesterday that a good friend of my husband and me lost thier 21week daughter as well in still birth. We were neighbors for a few years and they are both the most wonderful people. I got to talk with her last night too, which as crappy as it is, it was comforting to talk with her, i guess becase i know she knows my pain, and feels just as i do, at the same time.
I am scared for the next few days. I have to find songs for Stellas memorial, which has not been easy. and then Go to her memorial. Sit in the chair and deal with it all. The sorrys and hugs and tears. How does one deal with this?