When hopes are shattered.......

I was really hoping today wouldve been Stellas birthday. Just for little reasons like Briana was born on the 10th, Elijah on the 11th and I figured it wouldve been just right with Stella on the 12th. I wish. I laid in bed last night and all I could do was pray for God to bring her back, let her be born today healthy and ALIVE.
I kind of had a breakdown I suppose crying all night. I am figuring I'll have these for the rest of my life, and whatever little things can set them off. Comercials with babies in them, pregnant women, women having their healthy babies or gloating about how their baby is doing. All I can imagine is what Stella would be like at that age, or how old she should be right now. Its not that I am not happy and praying for those people to continue on that happy road, but it just reminds me of the loss and hole in my own heart. Reminds me of how much Stella is missed, and missing from our daily lives. That hurts.
I am having a hard time looking at my maternity pictures & such lately with out getting angry or heartbroken. Just over 2 weeks ago I was happy in all of those pictures, expecting not just a baby, but an entire life together with her as a part of our family. Eating together, learning together, playing together and just BEING together. I didnt just loose a baby, I lost an entire lifetime. I want to feel that happiness again like I did in those pictures, I want my family to be whole, like it felt.
Its almost like my initial purpose was taken from me and now I have nothing more to do but be only what I was before. I dont know what to do with myself at all. I feel like days just come and go, nothing like it should be. The excitement is gone and replaced with a deep scence of loss and dissappointment.  I really just want to be home nursing Stella and playing on the floor, showing Eli the great wonders of being a big brother. I hope someday he can have that and Briana the little sister she always wanted.  But that realm is far to scarey for me to travel right now. I dont have faith at all that everything would be ok. I hope I can regain that and we can someday have our little rainbow and turn to the next chapter, away from this dark and dissappointing one.