the next 2 weeks.....how life changes.

Update 11/1/10~

Its been 4 days since stellas birth. Today was tough to get through, but i have had so many wonderful people helping me through this all, i am truely grateful. I had to select music for stellas memorial, and make her picture board. The music was what really hit me and i have been staring at this board filled with beautifu pictures of a child i will never see or hold again. We decieded on getting her cremated so that we can have her with us where ever we may go. I am also getting a star locket made and engraved with her name filed & with her ashes. I will have it tomorrow for her service, DH is getting his watch locket filled and a photo of her placed inside. My MIL has been just a blessing helping us out. She has offered to take care of all the funeral arrangements and pay for it all, she is also the one who got the urn, and lockets for myself and DH. God bless her for her help. She came over today and got me a top, sweater and glasses for me to wear tomorrow and supplies to decorate Stellas memory board with. My family has also been a blessing, helping with food, cleaning and the older kids. I cant express how much i appreciate them! I sure hope i can get through the day fine tomorrow, i feel nervous & scared and almost totally dreading having to face the public eye........
I printed out her birth story so people can just read that and not ask me continusly throughout the day, as well as a poem and a song i dedicated to her. (Bird on the Wing by the Big WU)
Thanks for letting me share my experience, as painful as it has been, i also appreciate all the kind words from all you wonderful mommas. & All the links from all the other angel mommas here on DS, Thank you all

11/03/10

A really tough day for me today. The srvice yestrdaywas beautiful, and i felt i stayed retty strong for all that. But today i have just lost it, I went downstairs to Stellas room to put some stuff in there (she was suppose to share with DS) and it was trahed from me not cleaning it for the past 5 days. But i got caught up bawling looking at all of her stuff i had prepared for her. This just isnt fair. I dont understand any of this that is happening and i should still be pg. i am not even due for another 10days.... I really hate this. I have a garage full of beautiful flowers i have no clue what to do with and i am grossley engorged. A room FILLED with beautiful baby items, a birth kit i will never even use, a birthing pool, a TON of awesome diapers and envy worthy wool that will never have a cute little squishy baby rolling around in them. well mine wont be anyways Is it OK that i update this even? I am not sure about the "blog" rules. Well i probly shouldnt write much today seeing as my moods quite meloncholy and negitive. And my tears just dont stop rolling........
Thanks to everyone who gave a hoot to read and post.

11/4/10

Well today has proven to be a little better for me, emotionally. I still cry but not at every movement or thing i see or do. I brought some flowers to the nurses in the hospital that attended to stella and i while we were there. I seen an old friend of mine there who just had her baby boy, she was due the 10th. That was hard, she gave me the biggest hug and cryed with me a little before she took her son back to her room to nurse. DH and DS looked at the other babies in the nursery and i chatted with the nurses about the Csect and how i am healing. They really appreciated the flower baskets and card with pics of stella. Then i stopped by my sisters and anothr girl i know was there, she is due the 6th of this month, and is the one i chatted with in the waiting room that dreadful day. It was hard. one day at a time.........

11/5/10
On an up day, kinda.
Feeling OK today. I went down onto Eli's room ( him and stella wouldve shared) And at least cleaned his room, it was trashed! I just kinda blocked out all of Stella's beautiful things that gracefully decorate 1/2 of the room. Matt (my hubby) worked on stashing the other items like the bassy & carseat in his back room untill i can go through it (the bassy is packed with newborn essentials) I am scared to let anything go or pack it away. As hard as it is seeing everything its almost comforting , like the mass ammounts of flowers scatterd throughout the house from the service. Athough I know ill have to sell some of her items to pay off the medical bills that are going to start showing up....

I talked with my neighbor and brother today about everything, that was helpfull. I suprisingly stayed strong and didnt totally lose it. i know a crying day is on the way though, which is expected. Maybe days like this i am recieving enough prayer to keep me strong. (a big thanks to everyone who have said prayers for my family!! )

I have also been contemplating if we should even try for another child. I have a rough time being pregnant and know going through another pregnancy scared to death that i may loose that child at anytme is horrifying to me. I am feeling empty arm syndrome badly, also expected, and know ill never fill the void Stella's death left inside me. i am not sure how mommas decide a thing like that.

11/6/10

Such a dissappointing day. I had wretched nightmares all night about my son and Stella drown, and me pulling their bodies out of the murkey water. then loosing it with my DD, and slapping her in the face and yelling at DH.
Then i got the check back from the MW, she didnt come to the service nor did she send a card or even write a little note stating she was sorry about what had happened to Stella
Now i am feeling SO REGRETFUL even going to her and now just sticking it out with my OB. It makes me wonder now IF i would have, would Stella still be here?? Did she even DO her job right, was there spacifics she was missing?? I stopped seeing my OB because i felt like a #, but now i see that it was my OB who put in the effort to save Stella, and hug me when she passed. My MW didnt even come up to the hospital OR to the service OR even send me a card of sympathy. i am just so dissappointed and tore up.

11/7/10

Today is filling with a ton of ups and downs. I went "out" last night or the first time since....January or Feb. before igot pregnant. We went out with our neighbors for dinner then to a local pub and played dice. I got the friendly reminder of what a hangover feels like
Elijah brouht me the camera this am and was looking at pics of stella and i. I began to loose it there. Now i cant stop thinking about the what ifs,which seem to be the most depressing things to think about. I am going to visit a friend who lost her 21 week baby the same day i had stella, she got induced two days later and her Pandora was born sleeping. A girl i went to school with bought over a bacelet with an angel charm on it donated to me from the jewler she works for, it is a Pandora bracelet and i am going to give that to her in honor and remembrance of her daughter.
Another thing i have been dwelling on is if we are going to try for a rainbow or not. Ifeel empty and think that may be the only way to fill the void, not to replace stella at all, but to fill my empty arms. It honostly feels like empty arms too, a void. I know DH is against the idea all together, but i feel so torn.
He is pushing to get rid of all Stellas stuff too, which is killling me. I dont want to let it go. I know ill need to eventually, her diaper stash will be the first to go to help pay for the hossy bills i am scared of what those will look like.


11/8/10

Waking up is sometimes the hardest part of the day. Laying there reminissing about the dreams and nightmares i have been having. Eli looked like stella this morning laying next to me by the angle he was at burrowed down by my chest. We were weening him of co sleepng to make room for Stella, but now i cant let him go, its comforting to have him next to me. DH went back to work this morning, i miss him already. He had more ambitin than i do to just go and do something to keep our minds occupied. Now that i am alone (DS is still sleeping) all i can think about are depressing thoughts and WHY ME? She should be here, that or im not even suppose to be due till saturday the 13th. I have a feeling that her EDD will be a really tough day, and there is umpteen million things goin on that day. 2 Birthday parties, DDs babysitter course and a reggae band concert (which i LOVE, so maybe thatll help?) I really still cant believe this is all real, i honostly feel trapped in a nightmare most of the time. I really want to wake up and still be pregnant, i want to go into labor and deliver her at home like we planned, alive and well. I want to put her i all the cute cloth diapers i have been stashing up on for the last 9 months and put her in all the cute clothes i bought. WE started from scratch and bought EVERYTHING, i had saved NOTHING of DSs but the crib. and now i cant use any of it. how messed up is that? its not fair. I want my baby

11/9~11/10/10

Well today seems to be a pretty good day so far. My neighbor, who is prooving to be a very good close friend, cameby today. We took a nice walk to a local coffee shop, the weather is BEAUTIFUL for Nov. in WI!!! She also helped me press some of the service flowers and spread the rest in the back yard flower bed. I am hoping they bloom next spring!! They looked so beautiful.
Matt and i talked last night about his feelings and thoughts on having a rainbow baby. He isnt much for the idea I would love to try next summer/ fall and have another hopefully by spring. I dont think i can give up on the idea of not having another child now. I feel that in doing so, this void and God awefull feelings will not subside unless we do. I hope he changes his mind by next fall. Although i know it will be scarey as all **** and ill never have that homebirth i wanted so badly, id have to be monitored like crazy and have a repeat Csect <----THEY SUCK! ugh.......

Its one of "those" days, not a super crying kinda day but a day where i am just thinking and thinking and thinking. My dreams must realy dictate how i am feeling the next day throughout this grieving process. I dreamed about getting rid of Stellas diaper stash. ( i cloth diaper and take great pride in the stuff we got/made for stella)

I know ill have to part with it, and it will help emensley with hossy bills, but i am SO ATTACHED to all of it! I wanted so badly put stella in her cloth stash. I made a ton of stuff for her that made me so excited. talk about the biggest dissappointment life can throw at you.

I filled out all of my thank you cards yesterday and should go to drop those off at the P.O today too. I need to keep myself busy today....somehow.

11/11/10

I feel changed today. I am not sure if maybe i am feeling a little more accepting of everything or maybe numb. I want to be able to accept this and move on, but that void in my heart is so promenant i cant see past the "elephant" in the room. Id like to keep hope that maybe we will try again some time next fall, maybe hold that as somthing to look foreward too. But then i realize that planning anything in life is useless. God will take over and the outcome will be nothing as you anticipated. I prayed, planned, took such good care of myself and stella in utero, got everything perfectly ready. and as soon as i had everything "just perfect" she was taken from me. God had other plans that i was not ever ready to accept or understand. I know for sure its not fair, its made me feel some pretty aweful feelings and thoughts. How can i trust that ANYTHING else in life will be OK??? How can i trust he will look over my family with care? not start popping off my other kids? my husband? ME? How can i have faith that if we do try again for another baby that God wont take that child too? The big IF in life, not fair.