Today is a very difficult day for me. I should be overwhelmed with joy for my little sister just had a beautiful healthy little girl. Stellas best friend, that she will only know in her dreams. I want so badly to go to the hosptial and see her and Addy, but i am feeling so depressed and have been crying since the moment i woke up. I dont want to be that pain when this day should be filled with joy. I went through some of Stellas new born stuff to find something for Addy, i really want her to have a few of Stellas things, things i loved and wanted so badly to put onto Stella. I sat down there and sobbed uncontrolably for a good 30 mins. But I found what i wanted to and i hope i can find joy when Addy wears them. <3
I dont understand why God has shifted me into this dark and depressing direction, filled my life with difficult and painful experiences and all at once. Where others find joy, i only feel depression and pain. I want so badly to be happy again, not anxious, confused, bare and depressed. I feel like as of now happiness is but a word, i dont even feel happy in my dreams anymore, always confusion, anxiety, void and pain. What did i do to deserve this?!?! I really dont understand.
I hope and pray that God will at least look over them and their family and keep them safe healthy and alive, i guess if it means looking past us to ensure their safety. then so be it.
ten years
6 years ago
5 comments:
Krystal, as much as we are all feeling joy, we also feel the pain refreshed with the loss of Stella. God is not looking past your pain! I know it must feel that way... and that this is making your pain that much more real. I hope that you giving some of Stellas things to Addison will help. We all, including Korin, understand that this is hard... and not just for you. When Josh emailed me a picture of Addison and Korin, I sat there and cried. I cried for joy for Addison, and in pain for Stella. I love you!
Everyday I come here to read what you write. It breaks my heart evertime I do but sometimes I come and read it over and over again.
Every minute I send you love.
Too often my words get lost and I find myself sitting, staring and crying at the screen.
To know you hurt so bady kills me.
To know there is nothing I can do to take that pain away.. it tears me up inside.
I wish that somehow, some way, you will see the good in all the dark. Feel the love through all the pain. But how can I tell you to find good in this when I can't do that myself. You didn't deserve what happened. I wish I could ... do somthing.
ALl I can do is hope. hope hope hope that someday the light will shine on you and you will feel the warmth and take it in.
Hope that someday you will fell a sence of happy again. Because you do deserve that. Happiness.
It's OK to move forward and let the love you have for Stella fill your heart and know that she would want you to be happy. She would want you to be proud and stand with your head tall. You are a strong woman. You are backed by so many strong women that have walked the path before you.
I love you Krystal May. You are strong and you will get through this. You were chosen to create and Angel. God needs his Angels perfect you know. Who better to create one then a Goddess <3
Beautifully stated, Katie <3
My dear Krystal, Right now your pain is still very new and raw, and like a fresh wound, you always seem to bump into it and it starts to bleed again. (((hugging you))) And like all wounds,it will heal in time. Yes you will have the physical and emotional scar...that will alway's be there, but this raw pain will be a sad memory that is covered by the bandage of time with many happy memories. Just keep reminding yourself that it will not alway's be like this, take a deep breath and try and look beyond your pain everyday, and one day you will.
Read this over & over, until you can hear me saying it, and you feel my hugs! <3 All my love, Mom
My heart breaks for you Krystal....You are so strong...<3
-Katie
Post a Comment