Just so you " know"

I wanted to let everyone who reads this blog know that first off I write here to process my grief, my deepest darkest parts of this grief. Losing a full term baby the way I did Fucking SUCKS. Yes I know it hurts my family and friends too, I get that. But this is MY life, My body, MY future, MY CHILD who died. She is gone from this life and I have to learn how to deal with that. My body is forever scared and I have to learn how to live with that. I'm in a position right now where I am told that I am DONE having children when I DON'T want to be and I have to figure out HOW to process that or make changes in my life to deal with this. This shit is NOT easy. I cant go along with some mental idea that "Stella would want me to be "Happy"" or "Ill see her again some day so what is the point of grieving" or walk around shitting unicorns and rainbows.  That is fucking whacked. period. If you have lost a child you would know that.
Another thing is I really don't like people implying that I am failing my living children because I am grieving. If all you know about me is this blog you have no fucking clue and NO right to imply such blasphemy. Get fucked. I function every day. I get out of bed, I clean, cook, work, play with my children and function like any other "normal" living adult. Just because I come here to process my grief, and the darkest areas of it, does NOT mean I am not functioning in this world, or need meds, or have this "inner darkness" that is taking over my life.  I am pissed, I am grieving and I am not happy all the freaking time, but I am living and loving my children and in NO flipping way am I "failing them". I really can not believe some people. (rolls eyes out)
I know that it is difficult to comment or know what to say to a grieving mother, especially if you have never been there and have absolutely NO CLUE what this FEELS like. But please re-read what you feel before posting here please. There is no way to "fix me"  I am not going to take "meds"
Unless you can bring my baby back, give me another chance at pregnancy and birth and raising a baby, or want to offer hugs, love, support or want to actually physically get to know me. fuck off. please don't leave your "i know it all and your not grieving correctly bullshit" to your self.
thanks.

I AM living this,,,

This is what i was dealt. this is what I have to live, to endure, to face. It pisses me off when people state thoughts on "how" i should be grieving, or "what" i should be concentrating on instead of the DEATH OF MY DAUGHTER! or that i am not paying enough attention to my other children. that is BULLSHIT. period. I love my children, that is all i know. I have been raising children since i can remember, I conceived my first at the tender age if 15. That is all i know. That is what i DO. That is what i LOVE. Children make this world. people fucking SUCK for the most part. I don't want to be just another selfish stupid fucking person in this earth, I am a MOTHER. That is what i DO and LOVE. and for someone to tell me i am not doing it "right" can fuck off. OR that i am "done" with all that cause they are not willing to "waste their life raising kids" yeah.... some people fucking suck and just dont understand. this is MY life too BTW....whatever that is. "my life". sigh....

9

9 months today, she should be. Or maybe she is somewhere, where ever that dimension of heaven is. I wish I could see her, touch her, smell her.  I wish it was her crawling across the floor, searching for me in the night to nurse and cuddle and know she is safe and sound in my embrace and drift back to sleep. This is time passing so swiftly as i look back, yet it has so slowly dug itself into my soul and burned a hole that hurts so deeply. On these days, this 28th of the month it ignites and burns a little deeper even more so. I still feel like this is a serious fluke, a glitch in the matrix, this is WRONG she was not suppose to die. What went wrong? Why? Why? Why?  I dont want to accept this, I am not even sure how to really.  What does that entail? How?  This world is just that much darker, so much less beautiful when children die, babys especially. That shit just is not right. I really dont like this world at all anymore. The promise of heaven is so enchanting it makes me feel like this life is so completely insignificant. A useless battle, a punishment. I just dont get it. Maybe someday I will, but for now I dont at all and it sucks. It hurts.  I feel as though I am here for nothing but others, a stepping stone, a little ornament in some one else's garden, a tool or employee.  I am just here and that is all. Here and hurting everyday. This place is painful. Maybe that is Gods plan? Maybe I am here to be used and taken advantage of for the advance of others, for everyone else's happiness. My people making days are apparently over so I am physically done here. The rest of my life just is whatever it is. Not like i have a say in it anyways. I miss you Stella, someday, someday. I cant wait for that day......

Story Time

Every night my son and I sit and read a book before bed. Last night Elijah picked one of my favorite authors, Dr. Suess. This man wrote some amazing children's books that even adults should read, and often. The book he chose last night was "Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are". If it wasn't for all the crazy wording and rhymes I had to concentrate on keeping up with and pronouncing properly I am sure I would've been balling through the entire book. I got word the other day from family that my maternal aunt, who is also my Godmother has relapsed in her breast cancer. Today I wear my BCA shirt in honor of her battle and pray continually that she will fight the forces of nature and continue on this journey God has planned for her. I have had a very strange outlook form on death and illness since Stella died, but with my aunt, I know she is here for more and I feel cancer is just plain EVIL, no work of God in my opinion. She has the power and spiritual strength to fight this, she just has to. I lost my daughter, and for no good reason I know, but I need to keep track of the things I am lucky I am not on top of the rest of this. I need to get my strength right and my mind back to where it needs to be so that I wont let stress and evil take over and kill me with diseases like cancer or anything else. Stress kills, no joke, its evil.
I have been trying to get my ass in gear by starting with my physical being. I started P90X this week. Staying very physical is a major NEED in my being. If I am not physically well, I am an emotional mess. So I am starting there and working on every aspect based around that. It seems to work well for me in that way. Another thing I am working on is obviously my spiritual well being. I have had one heck of a battle so far spiritually. But that is all being worked on, day after day as spiritual dealings usually do. Hopefully one day i can complete this full circle and become whole again.
Here is the video of this wonderful book, we all must keep in our mind and in our hearts.
God Bless.


Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are by MistyIsland1

An Article On Stillbirth

I found this article linked on one of the web pages I visit often on FB, Hope Mommies. Not only did this touch my heart on a very deep lever i am still trying to process it included a paragraph that stunned me.

Link----> http://www.hollywoodrepublican.net/2011/07/gods-fencepost-light-from-a-broken-hallelujah/

Quote: " Many states in America (including Texas, where Collin was born) do not recognize a stillborn baby as a human being. Many states also prevent families who are ripped apart by stillbirth from taking any legal action against medical professionals in situations of malpractice. Even more devastating is that the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) does not include time off for grieving parents. Get involved in this discussion, educate yourself and vote as your heart leads. Sign a petition to help grieving parents! "

The job I held through my pregnancy took away my maternity pay after I lost our daughter Stella. They told me it was because they "re-evaluated the quarters" and I was not longer eligible which never made sense to me what so ever because I had her earlier than planned by 2 weeks and that made my personal leave shorter and FMLA start sooner, hence more hours on my side for eligibility. One i read this I wanted to puke. They DID take it away because Stella died. How sick and sad this world is. I still gave birth. I had to endure a surgery, an emergency Csect because my daughter was alive up till the Dr.s cut her cord and separated her from me. I am even more saddened. There is a link in this paragraph for a petition to change these senseless "rules" they have sickeningly came up with about maternity leave for grieving parents. The emotions that had brought on for me add to a grief that is already unbearable.

There is another paragraph I want to touch on even more so, but once I get the chance to sit and process my thoughts on it and where I stand in it.

Somthing I should read DAILY....

Sometimes its much easier said then done, especially when you have other people depending on you or expecting such and such from you. But its a start.

somethings got to give

and its probably me. I am not sure what it is I "have to do" to learn how to adjust to this "new normal". 
I need things to change for the better, I need something to adjust here in this "life" something to let me know what to do, where to turn, how to function. I feel like everything is a huge waste of time right now.
I have had offers to join a band and start drumming again. But I just don't know. I don't FEEL like i can do any of that right now. Its just not what I WANT. I WANT Stella, I WANT to be raising a baby and cloth diapering, and breastfeeding. That is what I really want. I want it so bad that I DON'T want anything else. I don't want to do ANYTHING else, at all. nothing. Nothing feels right and I am so sick of that. I am not the one who can just  "fake it till you make it". I NEED to feel something before I just do it. I have to WANT to, or its just not going to work.  I have made those bad decisions in the past and I am still regretting it. Even more so now really. What do I do? Where do I go from here. I cant just keep sitting here because the spot I am in now is fucking awful.  How do other people "do" this!?!? I just don't get it. Why the fuck did this have to happen.

How I "heal" or am I?

I have been pretty proactive with my grief from the very beginning of this nightmare. I joined various support groups online and started blogging and journaling from the very start. I openly talk about my daughter Stella and about how i feel from day to day. Some groups i am involved with i feel like i am not healing properly compared to many of these other women. I am nearly 9 months out and some days i think i am emotionally worse off than i was at 2 or 3 months out. I feel as though i have been growing cold deep inside my soul. My emotions have been so severed that i don't feel the emotions i once did at all. The love, the joy, the excitement. NONE of those feelings seem to even reside in my soul any longer. I can go about and do things i love, things that used to make me bubble over with joy and i feel so distant and sad. Like i am not even living this life, i am mearly watching the world as it drifts by and i just DO whatever it is i have to to get by. I don't FEEL any of it like i used to. I have overwhelming feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness, loneliness, an urge to explode from the inside out, nausea, a LOT of nausea, impatience. Deep with in my "chakrahs" i feel just negative.  I feel like my emotions just completely control everything about be. My thoughts and actions. What happened to all the love and joy that used to consume me? Is this how i have to continue to "live" though this life? I swear the Doctors pulled out my soul when Stella died and everything good about be died with her. Maybe i was suppose to go too? I don't know. But this life no longer feels at all like it should, at all. I spend a great deal of my quiet time praying and talking with God, praying for others and strength for myself. Still i have this empty space that has been flooded with such negative emotions. Its a HUGE space at that too. What do I need? I just don't know. I surely feel as though i am just not good at this. Those women who write and talk about how everything is so beautiful now, that this experience has made them more compassionate and loving. More appreciative for life and caring for others. How their child's death has brought forth so many beautiful things in their lives. I just DON'T get that shit!? EVERYTHING about this nightmare has brought forth HORRID emotions, this is the SHITTIEST experience EVER! I don't feel ANYTHING GOOD has come from this, at all. Its horrible and i REALLY FEEL it should have NEVER happened. at all. Its WRONG! I HATE THIS!!!!!
Why do they get off somehow with some beauty from this hell? Am i not good enough? Have i surely been punished and have to endure this for all this life? Is it all just that shitty now and i am fucked? I sure feel like it. i keep trying, and doing and whatever it is i "do" with nothing but death lurking in me. Who knows maybe someday it will "pass" or maybe i will.  I just don't know. All i do know is how i feel about it all. and that isn't good.

An Editorial a Grieving Father Wrote

March 2000 Editorial

By Milo Tsukroff
In the little town of Norfolk, Connecticut, nestled at the base of Haystack Mountain, lies the Norfolk Cemetery. The two children whom I have lost are buried in the "new" section. When we visit, I often wander among the graves. It is not surprising to see the number of children's graves from the 18th and 19th century.
I am drawn again and again to the unique four-headed memorial in the Robbins family plot. There lie four children, all listed on one headstone. I have not seen another headstone like it anywhere. It shows that the Robbins family lost 4 children in 4 years, the last 3 in a single year.
A few years ago, I finally knew enough about Bible history to understand what the name of the last child meant: She was named "Mara". This is most disturbing, once you realize what it means. The name "Mara" is not used often in our society. As a matter of fact, in over 30 years, I have met only one other person named Mara. The reason for this is its terrible connotation. It comes from Ruth 1:20 - "And she said unto them, Call me not Naomi, call me Mara: for the Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me." "Mara" means "bitter" in Hebrew.
The terrible meaning of the little girl's name is emphasized by the doleful verse on the bottom of the stone. I wasn't able to read it all, because the headstone has worn and sunk and been partly overgrown with lichen, but it starts with: "When flames of wrath shall burn ye seas..." This is indeed an awful headstone. It speaks to me of a woman who was fiercely angry, angry at God, and wanted the world to know of her overwhelming grief.
But it also speaks of a husband who supported this angry woman through her grief. He allowed her to express herself, and that is a powerful expression of his love for her.
Here is a little bit of history that I have been able to piece together with some research. I apologize for not having more facts; I'm certain that the Norfolk Congregational Church and the Norfolk Historical Society have more information, but I haven't had the time to contact them.
Ammi Robbins was only 21 when he was called to be the pastor of Norfolk Congregational Church, in 1761. He was to live and serve there the rest of his life, passing away 52 years later at the ripe old age of 73. Shortly after settling in at Norfolk, he married. His beautiful bride, Elizabeth, was only 18 years old.
Elizabeth and Ammi settled into the pastorate in Norfolk. Within a short time, Elizabeth became pregnant with their first child.
When the child came, a boy, they named him Philemon, after Ammi's father. Then tragedy struck -- he died a week later, on the 20th of March, 1763. This must have been a bitter blow to them. Certainly, it affected them so much that they did not immediately erect a headstone.
Losing a child was quite common in pre-revolutionary America. Medicine was primitive, and life was often harsh. Elizabeth seems to have not given up. She became pregnant again soon after that. Slightly less than a year later, she gave birth to another boy. This one thrived. Ammi and Elizabeth named this child Philemon also.
Almost two years later, on the fifth of January, 1766, Elizabeth gave birth to a girl. She was named Elizabeth after her mother. But she only lived 5 days, and died on the 9th of January.
Elizabeth conceived again in March. Toward the end of September, as she began to really show, little two-and-a-half-year-old Philemon died. This was the third of her children to die, and now she had no children except the one which was on the way.
The fourth child must have been eagerly expected. She was born almost exactly a year after Elizabeth had lost her first girl, a little gift from God. Finally, they had another child.
Then, on the next day, the first anniversary of losing little Elizabeth, this child also died. Now Elizabeth had lost all four of her first children, the last three in the last year.
I believe that Elizabeth was very upset after losing that last child. She must have been, to name her daughter Mara. I think that she must have been very bitter about what God allowed her to go through. But the interesting thing is that her husband Ammi seems to have supported her through her public expression of her grief. Certainly he allowed her to erect that strange little four-headed memorial stone, and to put the dreadful verses on it.
It is common to say, "Oh, it was God's will that such-and-such happens." I'm certain that people kept saying this to Elizabeth. But she must have answered, Is it really God's will to torment me by killing my children? I think that Elizabeth's public statement of her bitterness towards God, by naming her daughter Mara, showed how much she grieved her lost children.
Around ten years ago, a grown-up neighbor passed away. He had been very popular in our city, and was sorely missed. His mother came over to the apartment where he and his brother lived. Being from Puerto Rico, whose culture is much more expressive, she let her feelings out instantly and intensely. She screamed and wailed, threw herself around, and tried to beat her head on the floor. The men of the family had to hold her back.
The Bible counsels, "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." (Col. 3:19) Those of us who as men must endure the loss of our children must also endure the grieving of our wives. Men and women grieve in different ways. Us Dads must remember to not be upset at the ways that they choose to express themselves (or sometimes, how they choose to not express themselves). We need to be there for their grief: Help them through the hard times; talk about it with them; watch them closely and get them help if they become self-destructive; and above all, help them simply by being supportive of their expressions of grief.
My wife Karin and I discussed how our neighbor's mother had grieved so loudly and violently. It was so different from how we had grieved for our daughter -- we tended to hold our emotions inside. Karin especially had a completely different perspective on the grieving process we had gone through. I had to listen very carefully to her, and ask her a lot of questions, in order to know how she felt about things. There were some aspects of her grief that I had no idea still hurt her. Some of these were spiritual questions (Did Katrina go to Heaven? Did we do the right things for her?) and some were practical (Was it okay to have another child? Was there a possibility of another birth defect?).
After losing our four-year-old Danny, we once again went through grief differently. I found myself barely holding back the grief, often overwhelmed. Karin has been quieter about it, and I still don't know when she will finally say, "I'm done." I am still watching and supporting her and doing my best to be there.
We have only lost two children, and those separated by almost twenty years. I cannot imagine how much it would hurt to go through Ammi and Elizabeth Robbins' loss. This story was so compelling that just had to share it.
It seems that God relented and gave Elizabeth better days. This story has a better ending: Elizabeth Robbins had many more children. Little Ammi Junior was born the next year, and he lived to full manhood and was married in the Norfolk church. Another child was Elizabeth, who lived to full womanhood and was also married in the same Norfolk church. Ammi Robbins saw many members of his congregation go off to fight for liberty in the American Revolution. He lived to a ripe old age, and his beloved Elizabeth buried him in the family plot in Norfolk Cemetery in 1813. She finally passed away in 1829 at the advanced age of 84.

Fathers, Dads, Husbands, love your wives, and help them bear their grief. If it may turn to bitterness, help them through that also. You have to give them room, watch them, love them. It's your duty, your job, your joy, to help them through.

as she lives eternally in heaven...........

i slowly die on earth.

yet again another pessimistic rant. dont worry, you dont have to read or care.

My whole life i have lived and worked towards goals, something to look forward to, something to work for. At this point in my life i feel like there is nothing to work for or towards. Everything in the last year i put all of my time and energy into has crumbled and died, literally.  I have worked so hard and i feel it was all for nothing. A huge slap in the face, a failure on my part. I worked so hard at my job and they fucked me over so bad. I worked so hard to prepare EVERYTHING i needed to raise my little Stella and prepare a perfect spot in this family. by myself. and i get nothing but the deepest grief imaginable and a scar across my abdomen. My dreams of a home birth, shattered. I feel as though the world works against me or i have been cursed. I pray to God everyday, for others in this pain and help from God to get through this. I feel i get nothing but slaps in the face. What i had worked for given freely to those who don't deserve it or abuse it. heroin addicts and hookers having babies, psychos killing their babies and walking free. WHY?!?! People who constantly complain of having to raise their kids and do stuff for them. When all they want is to "be free"  and "live their life". That is life. Children are what make life. Not some stupid hobby or alcoholic addiction. What in this world can you not include your children in? unless its something that shouldn't be done in the first place? I am at a very bad place in my life. I have no dreams or aspirations to live for. I just go along with the preoccupations of life, day after day. I am here just so others can do what they want. I feel like i just don't matter. Maybe that's Gods "big plan" for me. To be a pawn in the game, a stepping stone for others, an example of the bullshit life is capable of so others would appreciate what they do have. The pessimistic side of life so others can see the optimistic they have.  What am I? Why am i here? Why did God have to rob my life of happiness and purity? I had to see hell, i have to walk through it day after day on the line.  Why?  Where do i go? Do i just keep "keeping on" not having a plan or dream to live for. Letting others walk all over me when they should be the one to walk side by side with me? I am so sick of feeling like this and its apparent that others are sick of this "new me" as well. I have been told so. I cant do this anymore. I need something.......anything at this point, to live for. I know i have my children and husband and family or whatever. But i am no good to them like this. I have also been told that. But just "pretending" to be oh so happy isn't cutting it. I DON'T feel happy inside. I feel empty, broken, tore, desolate, depressed, sad. How can i work so hard again to do anything when i get shit on last time i worked so hard? I just feel like everything in my life is taking advantage of me. When i work hard i get shit on. i am so ready to give up.

i was thinkin

maybe I should rename my blog emotional puke. I come here to vent my deepest emotions of grief and I feel most of the time I come here to purge all the horrendous feelings that come along with such a low blow to the soul. I apologize.

I am so angry with life its sick. I just want my baby back in my arms. I want her to live.

Work Situations

I am not sure if i had ever got "into" the whole ordeal with my last job or not here on my blog. Lately it has been weighing hard on my heart about what I "should" be doing for a "living". I worked in childcare for over 10 years because I LOVE working with children. The pay sucks, but I had always enjoyed it to my core. Working in a childcare facility isn't my cup of tea really, but if i could find that one wonderful place it would be heaven, ESP if they paid enough to live off of on that job alone. Since childcare paid so crappy I always had to have a part time evening job waitressing or bartending. At one point when it was just me and my oldest daughter Briana, I was working 3 jobs at a time, all part time. Well I started working at the Grand Geneva Resort and Spa in Lake Geneva WI after leaving my 4 year stretch at Bright Beginnings childcare. This resort owns you once you sign your name on the papers to begin working there. I worked there upwards of 60 hours a week pulling in doubles and every weekend and holiday on the calender. The money was beyond excellent and I always had cash in my pocket. My husband and I paid off GINORMOUS medical bills from his graves' disease stint and saved up to 30 thousand dollars in that first year of us both working full-time. (that has since diminished with all the medical bills from Stella's demise and more medical bills and medical bills up the ass)
 Life was "grand".
Then after a year and a half of that we found out we were expecting a third child. I continued working just as much as i always had because now my husband was laid off and making only 1/4 of what he was. We moved to a more expensive home (300$ more a month) and we were making MUCH less than we were. So I kept on working and working. When i announced my pregnancy to upper management they demoted me and dropped my pay 3$ and hour. So i was working and doing the SAME job but making much less. The corporation I worked for (Marcus Corp.) is HUGE and wide spread. They made it so my position had never existed and there was no way for me to come after them for discrimination. those huge corporate places have their hoops and they know just which ones they can get away with. So on with my pregnancy and on with my work. Some nights i was working SO HARD that i would start having labor pains at 25weeks along so I would have to sit and relax. I was on my feet sometimes up to 16hours and with no breaks. It was INSANE. So I went to my midwife and asked for a note so that I could get less hours. This place is VERY corporate so you needed a Dr.s excuse for EVERYTHING! Well I sent in my MW note and they "rejected" it saying that they needed a "real Dr. note with a letter head from a known provider". So they put me on the schedule again for 3 doubles that weekend with one day up to 16 hours until 3-4am and back at 10am to open the bar for Sunday brunch. I was LIVID! I ended up having sever labor pains that Saturday night after 10+ hours on my feet with no break. I sat for an hour and ended up calling in the next day because i couldn't even walk my feet were so swollen and painful. I got the Dr. note and had it in my the next week so they would stop making me work so hard. I was about 30weeks allong at this point.
Then I decided to start a personal leave at 34 weeks and call it quits until 10 weeks post partum. So that was at the time Oct 4th- my due date Nov 13th all personal time. After that was a FIMAyay. and the work is again starting to fall on me and its all my responsibility to earn and provide insurance ect. I am PEEEEEEEVED. I really dont think i can go back to working 60 hour weeks at some corporate giant company that treats their employees like the dirt on the dust pan. I CANT and I WONT. (even though i am sure ill be pushed into it because my feeling really don't matter, i have learned that over the years... no one give a shit about you, just what you can do for them)  

So again I hear it. I need to take care of YOU. I need to do the WORK. What I am doing is just not good enough. The serious work while they dick off and do whatever they feel like. I feel so abused. My whole life I feel like i have just been taken advantage of. I have worked my ass off my whole life and I seem to get the shit end of the stick, continually.

I was also watching a child during the day for 3$ an hour M-Th. That turned out becoming "I am NUTS for watching some one elses child that is the age our dead child should be" and apparently that is not good for me (probably wasn't really) I felt like a lunatic after hearing that I was living vicariously through some one elses child. Maybe that is what I was doing? Or maybe it was a tactic to get me to go out and find something else to do that would bring in more $ for this family that isn't coming in right now. Because it is on me. I am so frustrated with life there are NO WORDS to actually describe it. Why is the pressure always on me? Why, when I work my ASS OFF is it NEVER appreciated? Never "good enough". Why fucking bother? 

Rant over.

On The Turning Away

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"
It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all alone
In the dream of the proud
On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerised as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

7/4/11

I have not been writing much here lately.  I have gone through another depression this past 2 weeks. I had a couple of ok days and some real down moments lately. I feel like i am continuously running on a wheel of grief and it goes in circles consistently. As i am sure this whole year or the rest of my even will be like. There are just so many points in my life that i feel needs some major repair and updating. just nothing really seems right or the way it should be and maybe it is just because we are missing such a huge part of our lives and family? Or maybe it all IS just whacked and i need to do some real adjusting in this life i sit in. i feel so lost it is just miserable. I can go day to day and thru the motions, flow with all the ups and downs and past all the stuff i am deeply missing but i get no where. Is there anywhere TO GO? I am at a loss at just about every point in my life it feels. Now i just have to g along and "live".  whatever that is. I babysit a little boy who is the age Stella should be. I was quite comforted by him for awhile, esp when my husband was working. Like i had a reason to get out of bed and do the stuff i "shouldve been doing anyways". My husband brought up that he feels as though it may not be a good thing watching this little boy. At first i didn't really realize it, but this last week i started feeling weird having him in public with me and that i was not going out and doing much with my children and husband during the day. Almost like i was hiding out in my house. I cried on Tuesday when i took Eli up to the library ( i cry at least once everyday but this was in public) There were 2 mothers there talking about how the 3rd child wrecks havoc on your body and yadda yadda. One mother was pregnant and due in February and the other had a little girl in Oct. I see her A LOT and yes, i am bothered and sad by her but that is just what i have to deal with, all.the.time. ANYWAYS.......yeah so i now feel as though i somehow i unconsciously live vicariously through this little boy and now feel like a total loony for even considering this to be a good idea. I feel like a creepy whacked out baby loss mom who thinks she can somehow find solace watching children the age of her dead baby. am i whacked or what? sigh. NOW i have to come up with the courage to "quit" babysitting, and i am NOT good at stuff like that. "giving up" makes me feel so weak and like a failure. I have had too much of that kinda vibe radiating through my being for the last 8 months it is literally sickening. but again, probably something i *should do*. At least I found someone to take over my shifts with him and i cant thank them enough. I am sure i will be regretting this and grieving him too now. sigh,sigh,sigh. & an infinite sigh. I am not good at any kind of choice making any longer. Makes me feel like my whole personality and persona is out of WhAcK!
Stella, happy 4th of July in heaven my dear. I hope you got the ballon i sent up to you. All my love. I miss you sweety.