7/4/11

I have not been writing much here lately.  I have gone through another depression this past 2 weeks. I had a couple of ok days and some real down moments lately. I feel like i am continuously running on a wheel of grief and it goes in circles consistently. As i am sure this whole year or the rest of my even will be like. There are just so many points in my life that i feel needs some major repair and updating. just nothing really seems right or the way it should be and maybe it is just because we are missing such a huge part of our lives and family? Or maybe it all IS just whacked and i need to do some real adjusting in this life i sit in. i feel so lost it is just miserable. I can go day to day and thru the motions, flow with all the ups and downs and past all the stuff i am deeply missing but i get no where. Is there anywhere TO GO? I am at a loss at just about every point in my life it feels. Now i just have to g along and "live".  whatever that is. I babysit a little boy who is the age Stella should be. I was quite comforted by him for awhile, esp when my husband was working. Like i had a reason to get out of bed and do the stuff i "shouldve been doing anyways". My husband brought up that he feels as though it may not be a good thing watching this little boy. At first i didn't really realize it, but this last week i started feeling weird having him in public with me and that i was not going out and doing much with my children and husband during the day. Almost like i was hiding out in my house. I cried on Tuesday when i took Eli up to the library ( i cry at least once everyday but this was in public) There were 2 mothers there talking about how the 3rd child wrecks havoc on your body and yadda yadda. One mother was pregnant and due in February and the other had a little girl in Oct. I see her A LOT and yes, i am bothered and sad by her but that is just what i have to deal with, all.the.time. ANYWAYS.......yeah so i now feel as though i somehow i unconsciously live vicariously through this little boy and now feel like a total loony for even considering this to be a good idea. I feel like a creepy whacked out baby loss mom who thinks she can somehow find solace watching children the age of her dead baby. am i whacked or what? sigh. NOW i have to come up with the courage to "quit" babysitting, and i am NOT good at stuff like that. "giving up" makes me feel so weak and like a failure. I have had too much of that kinda vibe radiating through my being for the last 8 months it is literally sickening. but again, probably something i *should do*. At least I found someone to take over my shifts with him and i cant thank them enough. I am sure i will be regretting this and grieving him too now. sigh,sigh,sigh. & an infinite sigh. I am not good at any kind of choice making any longer. Makes me feel like my whole personality and persona is out of WhAcK!
Stella, happy 4th of July in heaven my dear. I hope you got the ballon i sent up to you. All my love. I miss you sweety.