ten years
5 years ago
Thursday, July 28, 2011
9
9 months today, she should be. Or maybe she is somewhere, where ever that dimension of heaven is. I wish I could see her, touch her, smell her. I wish it was her crawling across the floor, searching for me in the night to nurse and cuddle and know she is safe and sound in my embrace and drift back to sleep. This is time passing so swiftly as i look back, yet it has so slowly dug itself into my soul and burned a hole that hurts so deeply. On these days, this 28th of the month it ignites and burns a little deeper even more so. I still feel like this is a serious fluke, a glitch in the matrix, this is WRONG she was not suppose to die. What went wrong? Why? Why? Why? I dont want to accept this, I am not even sure how to really. What does that entail? How? This world is just that much darker, so much less beautiful when children die, babys especially. That shit just is not right. I really dont like this world at all anymore. The promise of heaven is so enchanting it makes me feel like this life is so completely insignificant. A useless battle, a punishment. I just dont get it. Maybe someday I will, but for now I dont at all and it sucks. It hurts. I feel as though I am here for nothing but others, a stepping stone, a little ornament in some one else's garden, a tool or employee. I am just here and that is all. Here and hurting everyday. This place is painful. Maybe that is Gods plan? Maybe I am here to be used and taken advantage of for the advance of others, for everyone else's happiness. My people making days are apparently over so I am physically done here. The rest of my life just is whatever it is. Not like i have a say in it anyways. I miss you Stella, someday, someday. I cant wait for that day......
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Remember the day that Briana was born? The day that Elijah was born? The day you married Matt? The day that you had an ultrasound and saw Stella moving, saw her face and fell in love with the thought of having another little girl? Those are only some of the wonderful feelings that God has given Humans. Unfortunately, He also gave us the feelings of anger, fright, sadness and grief. You cannot let those feelings win over your joy. When you dwell in the negative feelings of life, you allow Satan to work in your life. When you read the Bible and have anger and despair in your heart, you have Satan telling you that "you are not good enough" and "you will never live up to what is expected" or "You are stuck in your grief, and God did this to you". NONE of that is true. Satan knows the Bible better than you do. He WILL test you, as he did with Jesus. Satan will do anything that he can to take you away from God, to have you think that you are following God, when you are slipping farther into darkness.
Did you know that in Matthew 4:1-11, Jesus was tempted by Satan? Satan used God's word against Him, and Jesus KNEW it. Jesus, even at his weakest point, could recognize the temptation and walk fight it.
When you were reading the story of Job a while back, I feel Satan was putting it in your head that God was testing you. God wouldn't do that to you. He loves you more than you would ever know. God wants you to be happy.
God want's you to remember the feelings that you felt with the birth of Briana and Elijah. He wants you to remember all of the good times, and not let the bad times overshadow them. He does not want you to forget Stella, and He knows that you long to hold her. Stella knows that you miss her, and she misses you! She can't wait to crawl into your arms! IT IS NOT TIME YET. There will be a time when that will happen, but not yet.
When you are having those ill thoughts, PRAY. Repeat a verse in your head or shout it out until that moment passes. Satan cannot win, and WILL NOT WIN.
Psalms 119:11 "I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you."
When lies come our way, we have to replace them with God's truth!
PRAY!
Lord Jesus, thank you for leading the way. You don't ask us to do anything that you have not done before. Thank you for giving me your strength when mine is weak. Thank you for your Truth that will trump the lies of the enemy. And thank you for being a Friend that understands.
Amen.
Love you, little sister.
It makes me sad that you see everything through such a dark filter. I know you are trying to fight it. Stella's death has clouded everything deep down that you know you have to live for. She would not want that. She would want to be a beacon of light for you to use her life to help others, which you are trying to do and I am so happy about that. She would want you to be emotionally healthy to raise her brother and sister not in a dark cloud of despair but in the light of love. Focus on them Krystal. You can do it. Get up and out of the darkness. To hear you say your life is over and you have no purpose because you are physically done having babies is painful to hear. Having babies is just a small part of a woman's life. The bigger and more challenging part is living up to the responsibility that God has bestowed upon you as a mother. You have been blessed with two wonderful children who seem to have no place in your life as you speak about how hopeless it all is and you don't want to be here and have nothing left. Don't be blind to what stands before you. You will waste your life stuck in the darkness and this will have an impact on your beloved B & E. The time will come when the pain will lessen. I think you know that - it will. What you do with the time before that is up to you. Ask God to heal your heart and let go, not ever of Stella, but of the darkness that has no place in your life. You have much to offer the world Krystal Kaye.
In light of the above two comments, I feel the need to stand up for Krystal. It hasn't even been a year since her precious Stella went to be with the Lord. Where she is in her grief is EXACTLY where I would expect her to be. The first year is the hardest when it comes to grieving the loss of our babies. And even after, when we finally start coming back from the brink, there are moments, very bad moments. IT does not mean she is DWELLING on the grief, it does NOT mean she isn't moving on with her life. But she must figure out her life once again, and it will not look like it did before. Even if you come from the experience of baby loss, yourself, you cannot possibly know how this is on KRYSTAL, for YOU are not KRYSTAL. Instead of people telling her what she's doing that's wrong and what she needs to do better, she needs your love, comfort, support, and above all...PRAYERS. Do not judge what she does in her grief, just know she is doing the best she can at this moment. The healing of the heart takes time.
Ok, I have a question... and want to defend what I said above. What was insulting in what I said? I merely described that human feelings are all natural, and explained that Jesus went through these feelings as human too. I never said that Krystal has to "get over" how she is feeling, I just stated that when she is feeling the lows, to remember the highs. I, in no way, am putting my sister down, and feel that Shannon stated that I am. I know that I am not Krystal, and cannot make things "all better". I am her sister, and I DO PRAY FOR HER DAILY. I do realize it will take a long time to heal, and I am doing what I can to help her. It is all I can do. So, what did I say that needs defending on Krystal's part?!
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