How I "heal" or am I?

I have been pretty proactive with my grief from the very beginning of this nightmare. I joined various support groups online and started blogging and journaling from the very start. I openly talk about my daughter Stella and about how i feel from day to day. Some groups i am involved with i feel like i am not healing properly compared to many of these other women. I am nearly 9 months out and some days i think i am emotionally worse off than i was at 2 or 3 months out. I feel as though i have been growing cold deep inside my soul. My emotions have been so severed that i don't feel the emotions i once did at all. The love, the joy, the excitement. NONE of those feelings seem to even reside in my soul any longer. I can go about and do things i love, things that used to make me bubble over with joy and i feel so distant and sad. Like i am not even living this life, i am mearly watching the world as it drifts by and i just DO whatever it is i have to to get by. I don't FEEL any of it like i used to. I have overwhelming feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness, loneliness, an urge to explode from the inside out, nausea, a LOT of nausea, impatience. Deep with in my "chakrahs" i feel just negative.  I feel like my emotions just completely control everything about be. My thoughts and actions. What happened to all the love and joy that used to consume me? Is this how i have to continue to "live" though this life? I swear the Doctors pulled out my soul when Stella died and everything good about be died with her. Maybe i was suppose to go too? I don't know. But this life no longer feels at all like it should, at all. I spend a great deal of my quiet time praying and talking with God, praying for others and strength for myself. Still i have this empty space that has been flooded with such negative emotions. Its a HUGE space at that too. What do I need? I just don't know. I surely feel as though i am just not good at this. Those women who write and talk about how everything is so beautiful now, that this experience has made them more compassionate and loving. More appreciative for life and caring for others. How their child's death has brought forth so many beautiful things in their lives. I just DON'T get that shit!? EVERYTHING about this nightmare has brought forth HORRID emotions, this is the SHITTIEST experience EVER! I don't feel ANYTHING GOOD has come from this, at all. Its horrible and i REALLY FEEL it should have NEVER happened. at all. Its WRONG! I HATE THIS!!!!!
Why do they get off somehow with some beauty from this hell? Am i not good enough? Have i surely been punished and have to endure this for all this life? Is it all just that shitty now and i am fucked? I sure feel like it. i keep trying, and doing and whatever it is i "do" with nothing but death lurking in me. Who knows maybe someday it will "pass" or maybe i will.  I just don't know. All i do know is how i feel about it all. and that isn't good.