An Editorial a Grieving Father Wrote

March 2000 Editorial

By Milo Tsukroff
In the little town of Norfolk, Connecticut, nestled at the base of Haystack Mountain, lies the Norfolk Cemetery. The two children whom I have lost are buried in the "new" section. When we visit, I often wander among the graves. It is not surprising to see the number of children's graves from the 18th and 19th century.
I am drawn again and again to the unique four-headed memorial in the Robbins family plot. There lie four children, all listed on one headstone. I have not seen another headstone like it anywhere. It shows that the Robbins family lost 4 children in 4 years, the last 3 in a single year.
A few years ago, I finally knew enough about Bible history to understand what the name of the last child meant: She was named "Mara". This is most disturbing, once you realize what it means. The name "Mara" is not used often in our society. As a matter of fact, in over 30 years, I have met only one other person named Mara. The reason for this is its terrible connotation. It comes from Ruth 1:20 - "And she said unto them, Call me not Naomi, call me Mara: for the Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me." "Mara" means "bitter" in Hebrew.
The terrible meaning of the little girl's name is emphasized by the doleful verse on the bottom of the stone. I wasn't able to read it all, because the headstone has worn and sunk and been partly overgrown with lichen, but it starts with: "When flames of wrath shall burn ye seas..." This is indeed an awful headstone. It speaks to me of a woman who was fiercely angry, angry at God, and wanted the world to know of her overwhelming grief.
But it also speaks of a husband who supported this angry woman through her grief. He allowed her to express herself, and that is a powerful expression of his love for her.
Here is a little bit of history that I have been able to piece together with some research. I apologize for not having more facts; I'm certain that the Norfolk Congregational Church and the Norfolk Historical Society have more information, but I haven't had the time to contact them.
Ammi Robbins was only 21 when he was called to be the pastor of Norfolk Congregational Church, in 1761. He was to live and serve there the rest of his life, passing away 52 years later at the ripe old age of 73. Shortly after settling in at Norfolk, he married. His beautiful bride, Elizabeth, was only 18 years old.
Elizabeth and Ammi settled into the pastorate in Norfolk. Within a short time, Elizabeth became pregnant with their first child.
When the child came, a boy, they named him Philemon, after Ammi's father. Then tragedy struck -- he died a week later, on the 20th of March, 1763. This must have been a bitter blow to them. Certainly, it affected them so much that they did not immediately erect a headstone.
Losing a child was quite common in pre-revolutionary America. Medicine was primitive, and life was often harsh. Elizabeth seems to have not given up. She became pregnant again soon after that. Slightly less than a year later, she gave birth to another boy. This one thrived. Ammi and Elizabeth named this child Philemon also.
Almost two years later, on the fifth of January, 1766, Elizabeth gave birth to a girl. She was named Elizabeth after her mother. But she only lived 5 days, and died on the 9th of January.
Elizabeth conceived again in March. Toward the end of September, as she began to really show, little two-and-a-half-year-old Philemon died. This was the third of her children to die, and now she had no children except the one which was on the way.
The fourth child must have been eagerly expected. She was born almost exactly a year after Elizabeth had lost her first girl, a little gift from God. Finally, they had another child.
Then, on the next day, the first anniversary of losing little Elizabeth, this child also died. Now Elizabeth had lost all four of her first children, the last three in the last year.
I believe that Elizabeth was very upset after losing that last child. She must have been, to name her daughter Mara. I think that she must have been very bitter about what God allowed her to go through. But the interesting thing is that her husband Ammi seems to have supported her through her public expression of her grief. Certainly he allowed her to erect that strange little four-headed memorial stone, and to put the dreadful verses on it.
It is common to say, "Oh, it was God's will that such-and-such happens." I'm certain that people kept saying this to Elizabeth. But she must have answered, Is it really God's will to torment me by killing my children? I think that Elizabeth's public statement of her bitterness towards God, by naming her daughter Mara, showed how much she grieved her lost children.
Around ten years ago, a grown-up neighbor passed away. He had been very popular in our city, and was sorely missed. His mother came over to the apartment where he and his brother lived. Being from Puerto Rico, whose culture is much more expressive, she let her feelings out instantly and intensely. She screamed and wailed, threw herself around, and tried to beat her head on the floor. The men of the family had to hold her back.
The Bible counsels, "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." (Col. 3:19) Those of us who as men must endure the loss of our children must also endure the grieving of our wives. Men and women grieve in different ways. Us Dads must remember to not be upset at the ways that they choose to express themselves (or sometimes, how they choose to not express themselves). We need to be there for their grief: Help them through the hard times; talk about it with them; watch them closely and get them help if they become self-destructive; and above all, help them simply by being supportive of their expressions of grief.
My wife Karin and I discussed how our neighbor's mother had grieved so loudly and violently. It was so different from how we had grieved for our daughter -- we tended to hold our emotions inside. Karin especially had a completely different perspective on the grieving process we had gone through. I had to listen very carefully to her, and ask her a lot of questions, in order to know how she felt about things. There were some aspects of her grief that I had no idea still hurt her. Some of these were spiritual questions (Did Katrina go to Heaven? Did we do the right things for her?) and some were practical (Was it okay to have another child? Was there a possibility of another birth defect?).
After losing our four-year-old Danny, we once again went through grief differently. I found myself barely holding back the grief, often overwhelmed. Karin has been quieter about it, and I still don't know when she will finally say, "I'm done." I am still watching and supporting her and doing my best to be there.
We have only lost two children, and those separated by almost twenty years. I cannot imagine how much it would hurt to go through Ammi and Elizabeth Robbins' loss. This story was so compelling that just had to share it.
It seems that God relented and gave Elizabeth better days. This story has a better ending: Elizabeth Robbins had many more children. Little Ammi Junior was born the next year, and he lived to full manhood and was married in the Norfolk church. Another child was Elizabeth, who lived to full womanhood and was also married in the same Norfolk church. Ammi Robbins saw many members of his congregation go off to fight for liberty in the American Revolution. He lived to a ripe old age, and his beloved Elizabeth buried him in the family plot in Norfolk Cemetery in 1813. She finally passed away in 1829 at the advanced age of 84.

Fathers, Dads, Husbands, love your wives, and help them bear their grief. If it may turn to bitterness, help them through that also. You have to give them room, watch them, love them. It's your duty, your job, your joy, to help them through.