ten years
5 years ago
Monday, July 11, 2011
yet again another pessimistic rant. dont worry, you dont have to read or care.
My whole life i have lived and worked towards goals, something to look forward to, something to work for. At this point in my life i feel like there is nothing to work for or towards. Everything in the last year i put all of my time and energy into has crumbled and died, literally. I have worked so hard and i feel it was all for nothing. A huge slap in the face, a failure on my part. I worked so hard at my job and they fucked me over so bad. I worked so hard to prepare EVERYTHING i needed to raise my little Stella and prepare a perfect spot in this family. by myself. and i get nothing but the deepest grief imaginable and a scar across my abdomen. My dreams of a home birth, shattered. I feel as though the world works against me or i have been cursed. I pray to God everyday, for others in this pain and help from God to get through this. I feel i get nothing but slaps in the face. What i had worked for given freely to those who don't deserve it or abuse it. heroin addicts and hookers having babies, psychos killing their babies and walking free. WHY?!?! People who constantly complain of having to raise their kids and do stuff for them. When all they want is to "be free" and "live their life". That is life. Children are what make life. Not some stupid hobby or alcoholic addiction. What in this world can you not include your children in? unless its something that shouldn't be done in the first place? I am at a very bad place in my life. I have no dreams or aspirations to live for. I just go along with the preoccupations of life, day after day. I am here just so others can do what they want. I feel like i just don't matter. Maybe that's Gods "big plan" for me. To be a pawn in the game, a stepping stone for others, an example of the bullshit life is capable of so others would appreciate what they do have. The pessimistic side of life so others can see the optimistic they have. What am I? Why am i here? Why did God have to rob my life of happiness and purity? I had to see hell, i have to walk through it day after day on the line. Why? Where do i go? Do i just keep "keeping on" not having a plan or dream to live for. Letting others walk all over me when they should be the one to walk side by side with me? I am so sick of feeling like this and its apparent that others are sick of this "new me" as well. I have been told so. I cant do this anymore. I need something.......anything at this point, to live for. I know i have my children and husband and family or whatever. But i am no good to them like this. I have also been told that. But just "pretending" to be oh so happy isn't cutting it. I DON'T feel happy inside. I feel empty, broken, tore, desolate, depressed, sad. How can i work so hard again to do anything when i get shit on last time i worked so hard? I just feel like everything in my life is taking advantage of me. When i work hard i get shit on. i am so ready to give up.
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its jen... from annoymouse yesterday. i dont understand computers at all... so i dont know how to put in my profile. i dont have a blog.. because again.. dont really know how to set one up.
for three years i felt like you do. my husband tried everything to help me. i hope yours is hanging in there w you. mine tried dates, vacations, food, help w our older children. absolutly nothing worked. how could it? the only cure possible in my eyes were to have my baby back. at about 1.5 years out my husband really had had enough... he spoke of divorce. and let me tell you... i dont take that word lightly. i was sooooooooooo incredibly sad he was thinking of this. i guess looking back.. how could he.. i was a big mess hiding in the closet never wanting to look at life again. no body understood.so when he mentioned this.. i said... really you want to leave me at a time like this in my life. maybe you should look at it like this.... if you got cancer... and was severly depressed because life was over, you couldnt work,, or do "fun" things any more. after a year and a half of that should i as your wife say.. hey honey.. times up. i know your not getting "better" and well.. i need a divorce. of course i would never never say that to my husband if he were in that situation. we r there for each other no matter what. and after i told him that... he really shaped up. it wasnt ment to hurt him... it was just to wake him up and understand.we have been doing so much better. please know.. im not thinking you have problems in this area.. maybe you do, i dont know.. its just something i wanted to share with you.
i hope your ok with me giving you my 2 bit of advice yesterday and today. i know.. nobody will ever say the right thing to make life better, but im here if you need to chat. please know im thinking of you.
jen
jen i do thank you for your support and comments. This is rough and i am at my wits end with it all. My husband is not very supportive, he says mean things and refuses to do anything that goes out of his way for someone elses heappiness. It is hard not to have that support. weve tried counseling and he refused to go back because "its me who has the issues not him" there is just too much. I have been trying to lean on God for support and pray my ass off for help and it just feels like everything keeps getting worse. i dont know what to do. :*(
Again thank you for reading and all of your support.
~Krystal
You cant possibly see the light if you eyes are closed tight.
You can't possibly move ahead when all your dreams and aspirations are dead.
You can't possibly see the good when it seems all your sadness, anger and sorrow is misunderstood.
But alas my sister, you have to move forward. You have two in tow that are relying on that.
The heavy burden of moving on dosent mean you are leaving her behind.
It means that you are going to TRY to be strong, for her. For Eli and Bris. You just have to TRY.
Try to pick your foot up out of the deep, knee high muck. Move it forward.. even just an inch. Then gently put it down. See how that feels.
Reah out for the hands that are there to help you. Those that are holding you in place, shrug them off.
You have Briana and Eli right behind you waiting for that firststep forward so they can take it too... they dont know where to put there foot other than in print your foot left.
Your first step is also theirs.
Lets take a look at the good, I know it's there. It's just hard for you to see because your vision is blurred from the tears. That OK, I will help you see the good through my eyes.
Beautiful Braina. A major drama queen with an angelic singing voice. Potential. potential, potential. Thats what I see when I look at her. She is starting Jr high this year and moving into all these crazy new things that she NEEDS you to guide her though. Puberty, boys, independance ect... she needs you to guide her and to give it your all. It will he hard but she deserves it and you can do it.
Elijah. What a blessing. He is so smart. You have done such a fabulous job with him (Briana too!!!) and it is shown everytime he talks. He is at the same phase as the twins with the sentence forming with new and more elaborate words. It is so funny listening to them. Soak it up. Hold his little hand now before he dosent let you anymore. Take it in yours and just close your eyes and soak it up.
The good is all around you. You have to open your eyes to see it.. the light may be bright at first, it might sting your eyes to see.. but that will get easier too.
The first step is the hardest. Especially since you are so firm in your spot. It has got to be so hard for you to want to move because all of your steps thus far have led you to be stuck in the muck.. but it will get better.
You cant leave the pain behind but you can move forward with it and it might not be so painful after a while.
Try to see the good, just a tiny bit of it. Open your eyes to it a little bit. Wear sunglasses if you have too. Just dont close your eyes to it. Dont do that to yourself and your kids. They are firmly planted in that muck too. There first step comes with yours.. How can they possible see where to go unless you show them. THere feet move into the prints you leave for them, Krys. Make them prints go forward, one little step at a time. My hand is ALWAYS extended to help you.
Moving forward sometimes means that you have to leave somethings behind. Take with you what helps you heal and leave the rest behind.. sometimes you have got to just do what is best for you and your kids.
I love you, endlessly.
~ Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls. ~
~ Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. ~
~ Music is the balm that heals the forlorn ache of a distant star. ~
~ Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are. ~ Rachel Naomi Remen
~ A ministering angel shall my sister be. ~ William Shakespeare
~ We are sisters. We will always be sisters.Our differences may never go away, but neither, for me, will our song. ~ Elizabeth Fishel
~ An older sister is a friend and defender - a listener, conspirator, a counsellor and a sharer of delights. And sorrows too. ~
its jen again... ill alwyas put my name out there as to not get mixed up w another annoymous. i know in my heart you are trying every single thing you can to heal. so as to when people say keep trying.. i know you allready r. as for me it was so hard to take anyones comments personally. i loved my older kids... just becaseu i was depresed didnt mean i didnt want to be with my older children. ages 10,11,13. just getting out of bed and making breakfast is a huge task. my mil once told me.. i was so far deep in the hole i couldnt see the light if it hit me. i didnt really know how to take that. it felt kind of harsh. somedays i would set a time frame... like do all i can till ten in the morning. then work on that... then a week later.. try and make life till noon. after that id just crash and just couldnt do it any more. i found a lot of help on the **Ivillage stillborn** site. please google that. its a forum where ladies discuss the pain of having their own babies die. the first few months i never chated and got in on the post.. but after a few months... i did. at the beginning i would read all of their comments only. please check that site out. everyone there knows exactly what your going thru. at christmas we even did a present exchange in memory of our babies. i made 15 gifts... so did others... then we got them in the mail. its not about the ""gifts"" its just the thought of doing something for others that were in the same boat.
back to the husband thing... my husband finaaly had to get a "hobby" it was basketball. he was gone all the time playing with his friends. that was hard on me but i had to see it as a way for him and i to both heal. is there a hobby your huuby can do that u would be supportive of. thinking of you so much. i wish i could take away the pain. if you would ever like to email me personally i would love to help. its... ajoutdoor@gmail.com
jen
I have to agree with what Katie said. She took the words right out of my mouth and spoke them beautifully. Please don't ever think that we don't want to hear your rants and raves, or that we are not here for you! Even when life gets busy, we are here. We will drop what we are doing and be here for you when you need us. NEVER hesitate to open up!
Regarding what Katie said about moving forward and leaving behind what is holding you back, it is so true. If there are things (or people) that are holding you back from healing, it will only leave an infection in the wound and make your wound worse than it is. (I hope my metaphor is coming out right... not so great at those).
**Please know that I am another hand that you can grab on to!!
I love you sis <3
I am just so sorry. I know this place very well. The anger, the resentment, feeling SO ROBBED after you did EVERYTHING RIGHT. You have every right to be completely torn apart. Hope will come again. Please be patient and wait for it, even when it seems it's nowhere to be found. And if nothing else, try living your life to make Stella proud. That's what I try to do for my Elias. (((HUGS)))
In addition to what everyone else has said (because I agree 100%)
I think you need to reach out more when you need it. Dont hesitate because you know we are here. And I know its hard not to dwell on what should have been and have such pessimistic feelings and outlooks on life, but you need to look through the hazy clouds and see the light. There is hope, you just need to have faith that its there, and you need to try your damnedist to achieve it.
You are such a wonderful person, inside and out, and if the one person.. who vowed to be there "till death do us part, in sickness and in health" is not living up to the very vows he promised.. to hell with him.
You need to leave all the negative behind and grab all the positives and keep truckin! Im here for you. If you need to take the kids and get out, come here, I have room.
You just need to make the choice if youre in or if youre out. Dont hang in the balance, because its not working.
I love you, and Im always here. All you need to do is call on me (((((((hugs)))))))
<3 Korin
Korin, I resent your comment "to hell with him" I'm sure it's easy for you to show your support by commenting on Krystal's blog. It has been very challenging for me to give Krystal everything she needs. Often I feel helpless and don't know what to do. Oh, by the way, I lost my baby too..
Jen, I do have a hobby. I enjoy music & DJ at events, weddings & bars. Krystal can tell you how much she supports me with that!!
Remember just because I don't have a blog or share my feelings and thoughts with others doesn't mean I don't care. I keep to myself so no one has to deal with my shit. Im concerned about my family and its easier for me to stay focused when I'm not balling my eyes out or being depressed. I DO feel. But I don't show it. Don't be quick to judge me if you havn't been there. I've dealt with losing my life & the life of my best friend. I feel I was a little more prepared to deal with such a tragedy than Krystal was. This is not easy for our whole family so I'd appreciate it if everyone would stop blaming me for "being a dick to Krystal" when you're not here everyday & don't see the WHOLE picture.
thank you.
Matt
I am Doris,from what I can read. It has been sad news and scam to everyone about Voodoo casters or so. But to me they are so real cause one worked for me not quite two weeks. I traveled down to where his shrine his and we both did the ritual and sacrifice. and now me and my ex are living very ok now.I don't know about you but Voodoo is real;love marriage,finance, job promotion ,lottery Voodoo,poker voodoo,golf Voodoo,Law & Court case Spells,money voodoo,weigh loss voodoo,diabetic voodoo,hypertensive voodoo,high cholesterol voodoo,Trouble in marriage,Barrenness(need a child),Luck, Money Spells,it's all he does. I used my money to purchase everything he used he never collected a dime from. He told me I can repay him anytime with anything from my heart. Now I don't know how to do that. If you can help or you need his help write him on (nativedoctor101@live.com) Thank you.
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