I have been on a non-stop search for some kind of comfort towards healing through this pain and grief. Trying to find comfort in this "new normal" or "new life" or "new me" i have to reside in until my days here are over. I have been reading Proverbs in the Bible, one chapter a day. I was hoping to find refuge in the word of the Lord, but reading this is making me feel even more punished and unworthy of having Stella here or even air to breathe for that matter. The 10 commandments are much more lightly put than Proverbs is. I don't understand how any human person in today's world could live up to something like those expectations!? And it blatantly states that all calamity has cause. That i am the one who caused all of this grief on myself and family. That i don't deserve to have my child here. That i don't deserve reward from the Lord. (But the heroin addict DOES?!?!?) BULLSHIT. I am sure i am reading into this far too literally, but that is just how my brain works, thanks to God apparently. Another thing i just don't get is how everyone always says that God has our entire lives planned out for us before we are even born. I dot understand this. That statement makes me feel like i am just some pawn in the battle between God and Satan. That my life is nothing but a pawn, used and tortured for, i don't even know what. What is the point? I just don't know what to do anymore. Just keep gong through the motions? "Living", trapped in this box i now reside in, letting God or Satan or whoever the fuck pleases take shots at my life like i really don't matter. Just another ant on the freaking anthill, easily enough stomped out when "its my time". My body is falling apart, i feel like i am dying of cancer or some other degenerating disease. My mind is going freaking crazy. I cry out for help and i get nothing. People steer clear of people in my place. No one like seeing depressed people, or having to "deal with them". I get that. Even my husband cant stand being around me. Hes got his life, always has. Its always about him and his plans in his head. My depression and grief is just a big fat distraction and brings him down, so what better way to avoid it that to just avoid it? I get that too. I can understand why people are uncomfortable around me, hell i cant stand myself. I cant even tell you how fucking hard it is to live through this. But i have to, i am stuck here in this nightmare, this is MY life now, and i hate it. Yes i know i have a husband (who could care less it seems) and 2 children who i LOVE more than anything. But this "new me" isn't good enough for any of them. This "new me" doesn't have dreams or aspirations, she isn't happy, she doesn't dance around the kitchen as she cooks, she doesn't hula hoop in the yard to music she loves, she doest smile or laugh. She doesn't feel like she has anything to live for. Like she used up all that life far too early on, her best qualities went up to heaven with Stella. This is only the shell of a once beautiful woman, left to rot on this earth. If i cant find comfort in my husband, family or even the Bible, then where is there comfort to be found? I want more than anything to have a large loving family, a husband who would walk the ends of the earth with me, even if i am depressed and cant stand myself. A husband who wants to help his wife heal with out trying to pawn her off on some stranger counselor, who wants to have a family, a brood of loving children and a life centered around the children we have and not some DJ "business" spent in bars on the weekend and in the basement every other moment he has at home. A husband who is interested in what i have to say, and not questioning why i am sad, id imagine is pretty DAMN OBVIOUS! A husband who wouldn't reject the love from his wife and make her feel so uncomfortable she can barely sleep next to him at night. HE did step up when i had surgery, but as soon as that physical wound healed, Matt was back in Matt land. Little does he know that the emotional wound is FAR GREATER than the physical one left from this mess. I wonder if he will ever even read this? If he even cares enough to? I wish i could tell him, but maybe i feel like it just doesnt matter to him enough. So i will just suffer inside this box alone.
Another negitive pitty poo rant over.
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