I declined the position at the restaurant today.I am so glad the owner was very understanding in my reasoning. She told me if i had ever changed my mind to give her a call. But after talking with my husband, he made some really viable points about going back into the restaurant business. Working weekends and all holidays, every night and late so we wouldn't be able to see each other much and id have to sleep in ect. And i get that. Committing to a restaurant is tough and i had a long tough position at the Grand that ate me up, i am afraid to do that to myself again. yeah the money is good, but it wears on ya. and my husband seen that in me, and how anxious and nervous i was getting about it. i also had a dream last night about it not working out. I am thinking i will go back into childcare, something i had done for 10+ years and left because the $$ just isn't there. Right now my husband has the $$ situation down pat so it is a responsibility i don't have to hold alone like i had to when i was at the Grand and he was laid off. he also has hid DJ business to lean on if he does get laid off again and i can help out with, which i KNOW HE WOULD LOVE. I have an interview tomorrow at a Daycare for a pt time preschool teacher, so i hope that is the direction i should go in for now. My good friend also has a pt time serving position with the restaurant she is at that i could do. It is a VERY LAID back kinda place and i wouldn't have to "be owned" by them to work there. She loves it and has been there for 5 years. She knows me well and feels that working there could be good for me. Sometimes i should just really listen to others and stop thinking that i may know what is best for me. Right now i definitely DONT have a clue, so giving in and going with what people who know and love me may be a good step for me. Its tough being a hard headed stubborn Capricorn, especially a grieving one!!!
On another GREAT NOTE.... my neighbors daughter had her RAINBOW BABY MONDAY!!!!! After 3 late m/cs and 2 stillbirths she has her BABY BOY!!! I am SO happy for her and their whole family!!!! Gives me such hope to hear that!!! I wish them all the best!!! <3 I was wanting to ask her so many times how her DD was doing but never had the guts because i coudnt bear to hear bad news, and just a few minutes ago she was out in the yard and told me about her daughter and grandson!!! I was estatic to hear! Its funny how some pregnancies and births can make us almost cringe and hearing about a rainbow makes our hearts swell with joy. What an odd hand in emotions weve aquired! :P
Somthing to ponder........ So my husband, once again, took down all of stellas photos from around the house, well the 2 that i had up. One by our family photo and another on the shelf in the living room. I txted him to ask where theyd went and he told me that he didnt want to see them anymore. I told him that i am comforted by them and the void of her not being here is hard enough, i like seeing her and knowing that even though she is not physically here, she is STILL A PART IF OUR FAMILY! He also told me that he is "done grieveing her death" And i cant see that if he cant even stand seeing her pics. I dont think he has even started to really grieve yet honostly. We have never cried together, which i think is important for our relationship. We are going to sit down tonight and get this counseling thing rolling. I am sure it will help us and him to start grieveing. Has anyone elses husbands been like this? I read in the empty cradle book that some men didnt really start grieveing untll after a year, or untill after the mother was "better". It would be nice to hear some fathers opinions and storys on the subject of grieveing. As i would lreally like to be able to understand him and his emotions better.
On another GREAT NOTE.... my neighbors daughter had her RAINBOW BABY MONDAY!!!!! After 3 late m/cs and 2 stillbirths she has her BABY BOY!!! I am SO happy for her and their whole family!!!! Gives me such hope to hear that!!! I wish them all the best!!! <3 I was wanting to ask her so many times how her DD was doing but never had the guts because i coudnt bear to hear bad news, and just a few minutes ago she was out in the yard and told me about her daughter and grandson!!! I was estatic to hear! Its funny how some pregnancies and births can make us almost cringe and hearing about a rainbow makes our hearts swell with joy. What an odd hand in emotions weve aquired! :P
Somthing to ponder........ So my husband, once again, took down all of stellas photos from around the house, well the 2 that i had up. One by our family photo and another on the shelf in the living room. I txted him to ask where theyd went and he told me that he didnt want to see them anymore. I told him that i am comforted by them and the void of her not being here is hard enough, i like seeing her and knowing that even though she is not physically here, she is STILL A PART IF OUR FAMILY! He also told me that he is "done grieveing her death" And i cant see that if he cant even stand seeing her pics. I dont think he has even started to really grieve yet honostly. We have never cried together, which i think is important for our relationship. We are going to sit down tonight and get this counseling thing rolling. I am sure it will help us and him to start grieveing. Has anyone elses husbands been like this? I read in the empty cradle book that some men didnt really start grieveing untll after a year, or untill after the mother was "better". It would be nice to hear some fathers opinions and storys on the subject of grieveing. As i would lreally like to be able to understand him and his emotions better.
2 comments:
When we first found out our son was dead, my husband cried and wailed with me. After he was stillborn, my husband spent a whole week just laying around the house snuggling with me and holding me while I cried. After that, he was *finished* grieving...when I called my husband from the doctor's office to let him know we were going to lose Becca he cried out, but that was the only emotion I saw from him and have not seen any since. I really believe that it is a combination of men being able to "compartmentalize" their emotions to deal with later or not at all, and the fact that I am still falling apart and he feels he needs to be strong and keep me together...I have noticed that the times I am happy and healthy for more than a couple of weeks at a time are the periods when he will mention that he misses the babies or talk about them.
(((HUGS))) Matt didnt even really cry out at the hospital that i know of. He may have while i was still knocked out, he is one to cry in priate though. I wish he would cry with me or hold me when i cry. He views me as weak when i cry and a burdon on him, well that is how i feel when he tells me to "get out of bed and get over it already" Talk about a stab to the heart i barely have beating in my chest. I dont think my husband looks at Stella as a living baby girl that was ever a "part of our family". That kills me, i wanted her SO BAD! i WANTED that homebirth, the nursing, the babywearing, the cloth diapering, raising a little girl once again ( i was only 16 when ihad my daughter and dont feel i ever really had that i am raising my baby girl feeling) I dont know, i lost and Matt is against having another...ever. NO BUENO. I think about you tons Katie, hope your days are getting brighter ((((HUGS))))
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