Counseling

Matt and I started our grief/marriage counseling last night. I guess it didn't go as well as i had hoped. Matt recoiled and closed himself into a shell after the appointment. We have a lot we should be working on in our grief , our lives, and our marriage that could only benefit us if we did. I wish he would see that. He thinks everything is just fine, when it is obvously not. He needs to learn how to open up. Pushing feelings aside and bottling them up is WEAK, it takes a REALLY STRONG MAN to deal with emotions and issues in life. ESPECIALLY if in doing so it will benefit & save his marriage.  I wish the male gender knew that. I dont understand the "men dont cry" bullshit that is brainwashed into boys heads as children. Only a real strong man can cry and show his emotions to his wife. I believe that we are suppose to be a team, we need to be able to understand each other so that we can work together more efficiently. Keeping things from each other and pushing everything aside only damages trust and companionship between us. When he doesn't want to deal with stuff, it leaves me to deal with it alone. I am one to work through things that need attention, WHEN they need attention. I cant bear all this grief alone. I cant carry the weight of this marriage alone. I want his help, i want his teamwork, i want his companionship, i want his trust, and respect and honor. I want a husband who deeply loves and understands me. Who is compassionate and passionate with me. I know that with working through this counseling it would help immensely. He needs to open up. We bot need to open up and come together. The "i am strong" "men dont cry" "men dont deal with emotions" bullshit needs to stop! Crap like that leads to miserable wives and pointless one sided marriages. Something i really dont want to be involved in. I hope he wants to put forth the effort so we can work through this and only come out stronger. I pray to God, that God can change his heart and open his mind to what we need for this to really work, and work better than we had either imagined. We have both been dealt some shitty hands in our life, some hard lives we have lived, no doubt. But God would not send us forth on roads we couldn't handle. We are both dealing with this, we are both in this marriage, that means we BOTH need to work on it and work together. Or God forbid, it just.wont.work.  And that is not what i want. I want this to work. I want us to understand each other better. I dont want the death of our child not sowing any kind of benefits for us at all. I dont want her to have died in vain. We need to make this something that has helped us grow closer. Satan cant win, God wants this for us and we both need to be in it together. Too many people fall victim to evil consuming their existence after this kind of horrific loss, i dont want to be one of those statistics. We have made too many already and that is one i WILL NOT let us fall into. We can do this.

God, Please help my husbands heart realize what needs to be done to create the loving close companionship you want for us. Let him let me see inside him and him into me, let us become the team you want for us to raise the children you blessed us with here on this earth. Please lord help me find the heart to forgive myself and Rosemary for the unfortunate events that occurred through out our relationship. Touch her heart and help her learn how to deal with such circumstances in a far more compassionate manner and recognize emergencies when she should be.  And please please please send my baby girl love, hugs, and kisses from her mommy, daddy, sister and brother. amen.