The Cause of my Calamity

So throughout lent i have been reading one chapter a day in the Bible. I started in Proverbs and i am reading through Ecclesiastes. I am on chapter 7 in Ecclesiastes today. The chapters and days through lent worked out perfectly. But anyways, it has been a tough journey. On top of grieving, reading through the bible is hard. ESPECIALLY the chapters i am reading through. Many of the verses i have been reading, which may also just be my state of mind, point to my own punishment for what happened to Stella or that i am the cause of my own calamity. I feel deeply that it was my own vanity that caused this fall on my own life. Through my own stupid thoughts that everything would be OK, and just trucking along in the shadows of my own selfish doings and thoughts, lead me down the road where the inevitable would be. Satan reeking havoc on my life. I was too caught up in the everyday BS of making $ and just doing my own thing, raising kids, and pouring my heart and soul into planning for Stella to arrive, and in my own selfish way. Matt and i were in deep water with our relationship because i wanted him to so badly live the life i was preparing for us. He has his own thing, and maybe i was just too damn selfish to realize that my way of thinking how life should be just doesnt fit him, and vise versa. (us figuring out how to meet in the middle or figure out where it is God wants us to be is a whole different post and what we need to be doing) We were both selfish, we both lived in our own separate worlds and rarely met eye to eye in our own home. We caused this tragedy on our own family. Its our fault. I am not sure how, or what you can do in life to avoid any kind of tragedy since we are all sinners and we all deserve shit one way or the other. I do realize Jesus is the savior, but he saves us AFTER we leave this life, that is why he died. So we can have eternal life AFTER this one, if we so believe. That has NOTHING to do with what happens to us here. We stumble in our faith and walk on the side of darkness we will get burned. I got burned and its my own friggn fault. I pray and hope i can stay in the light of the Lord, i hope i can change my life that it may be somewhat acceptable to God, cause i have no clue how any human can live up to all the expectations written in the Bible, macaroni that is one high bar! But hey we can believe and we can try and hope to God he has mercy on the rest of this life i am living.  I dont know, i am far from any kind of Bible scholar, but in my readings this has been what i have learned or felt i have any ways.
Another thing i have been pondering is this. So many families, including me, always ask the question "Why do bad things rarely happen to bad people?"
This is my theory:
Satan is the doer of evil on this world. If you walk in his ways why would he do bad upon you?
If your in search of God and his good, you will be burdened by Satan's wrath so that you would maybe fall farther away from God, hence giving up.
If you lean on God for the support and keep faith, there is less the devil can do to you through the shield of Gods grace The more your inbetween, the more Satan will keep trying to persuade you onto his evil plan.
I pray that as i am trying my hardest to stay into the light, lean on God for his support and try my hardest to walk in his ways so that that darkness of Satan stays FAR FAR away from me. I wont give up on God, i WONT! I want to see Stella again and the rest of my family up there just waiting for the devil to be bound in hell again. I want to be consumed by Gods love and grace, covered in his light. God is the one that sheds light and does good for us, he rewards the faithful. Its Satan that reeks havoc on our lives if we let him, or if we are not paying good enough attention i would assume. Banish him from my life Lord. I want to live this life for the goodness you want for this Earth.

Stella, As i walk the roads of this Earth dear please keep me company, help mommy stay in the Lords light so that i can find you again. I love you baby girl and i cant wait to see you again. Please also do the same for the rest of the family you have here on earth, just waiting to see you again. All our love. XOXOX
~Mommy

I just wanted to add the Bible chapter from yesterday:

Ecclesiastes 6

 ¹ I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on mankind: ² God gives some people wealth, possessions and honor, so that they lack nothing their hearts desire, but God does not grant them the ability to enjoy them, and strangers enjoy them instead. This is meaningless, a grievous evil.
 ³ A man may have a hundred children and live many years; yet no matter how long he lives, if he cannot enjoy his prosperity and does not receive proper burial, I say that a stillborn child is better off than he. ⁴ It comes without meaning, it departs in darkness, and in darkness its name is shrouded. ⁵ Though it never saw the sun or knew anything, it has more rest than does that man— ⁶ even if he lives a thousand years twice over but fails to enjoy his prosperity. Do not all go to the same place?
 ⁷ Everyone’s toil is for their mouth,
   yet their appetite is never satisfied.
⁸ What advantage have the wise over fools?
What do the poor gain
   by knowing how to conduct themselves before others?
⁹ Better what the eye sees
   than the roving of the appetite.
This too is meaningless,
   a chasing after the wind.
 ¹⁰ Whatever exists has already been named,
   and what humanity is has been known;
no one can contend
   with someone who is stronger.
¹¹ The more the words,
   the less the meaning,
   and how does that profit anyone?
 ¹² For who knows what is good for a person in life, during the few and meaningless days they pass through like a shadow? Who can tell them what will happen under the sun after they are gone?