Thoughts

I was sitting in my chair having my morning coffee and looking out the window at the cold world outside. My thoughts were instantly on Stella and how this horrid event has changed my world into, what it feels is much like what i see outside my window.  A feeling now instilled in my soul of being cold and alone, a bitter wind on my face, and stillness all around me.  A yearning for that warm fire, the embrace of having my child in my arms rocking away in this chair, wrapped in a blanket. Oh how i ache for that! I have also noticed how so many people have shied away from me. People who were so happy for me to be having such a wonderful complete family. The people who just love good news, love to see others "make it"  People who would keep contact with me  on line have now most likely blocked me on their profile. I have become, to many, the harsh reminder that bad things happens and for no apparent reason. That or maybe i am cursed and its something i can spread to others like the plague, a disease that ruins your life. I really don't understand the stand point of this being a "miracle in disguise". Either it is the best disguise or a total sham to get me to "feel better about it all" or "get over it and accept it, move on" whatever it may be. The truth is, my life has changed, and not for the better. This is something you can never "accept" something you can never  "get over" or "move on from" You can learn to live with the complete agony of it, the aweful truth of it. The 100lb weight you now have to carry for the rest of your living life. You may get used to carrying it everyday, but it never goes away and it will ALWAYS suck and some days that weight will feel heavier than it did the day before.  I have a hard time, also with the idea that God did this to me. That it was Gods choice to take my child for whatever plan there is for my life. That does not make sense. God, who also gave his child and knows the agony of such a thing, take a baby, who never got to breathe the breath of live even once. After putting me through, what i thought, was the most aweful event to lead to me being left with a Csect and no child at all!? The physical evidence of this left upon my womb for the rest of my life? HOW is that going to make any of this life i have to live any "better". How would taking my child away in, the worst manner, ever be something God would do to a child of his own? In JOB, in the bible there is a verse where God speaks to Satan, and it is Satan that puts the moves on Job, not God. Read in Job 2 "Satan attacks Jobs health". It explains in Job how Satan is the one who attacks Job in all of his facets of his life, God saying to Satin to spare his life and surely Job will not curse against the Lord still. How is this? How is it that God will let Satan walk about creating havoc on his children who serve him? WHY? Is it that Satan has taken my child? How can that be something i can be "OK" with? In Jeremiah Rachel explains how all the children she has lost are away  in the land of the enemy and until the lord comes again there is where they stay. Is Stella held captive in Satan's hands until the lord comes? I just don't understand this at all. I am sure its not healthy to continue to ponder, but how can i not? Plain and simple its NOT FAIR, it is NOT something i can just live with, its not something i can just ACCEPT. Especially when i cant understand it. I pray God does not allow more pain to be inflicted on my life, my children or my husband, because surely that will destroy me.