As a child i feel i grew up pretty fearless. I would climb the tallest trees, jump off of ropes into the river, explore the deep woods alone, and many other crazy obstacles children do. I felt invincible, powerful, intrigued, fearless.
After i had Briana a fear started growing in me, a fear something would happen to her, that something could happen to her. I started having bouts of fear, fear of heights mostly.
After Elijah my fear turned towards dangerous actions boys tend to do, and i feared vaccines, illness.
While i was pregnant with Stella i grew a fear of claustrophobia, any confines space would draw me into a panic.
Now since Stella died, i fear almost everything. I could sit in a corner and fear the walls would cave in on me. I fear for my children, their lives, their health. My husbands safety and life. I feel as though i was cursed by someone and i am doomed for living the rest of my life losing or just living in fear of.
I was reading on my DS stillbirth forum, and have read its something that can happen after traumatizing events~ PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) Its a loss of innocence, you now know, that no one is exempt, everyone is subject to tragedy and it happens far too often.
Which i hate knowing, i hate it being on the front page of my book i now write. I fear life now and i hate that. I used to love and enjoy life, now i fear it, i loathe it, some days i would rather not even get out of bed. (Winter may have to do a little more with that as well)
I think sometimes i also fear joy and happiness. I know once i feel something better i will always ride the roller coaster back down, and its usually 10fold. I feel happy and in turn, for days, i feel miserable and depressed. I maybe get one day of happiness or maybe even a moment of it then 4 days of complete depression. Just a flat out feeling of BLAH.
Life in autopilot is not fun, its not enjoyable what so ever. Life in fear is not either. I pray, I pray more than i have in a long time. Yet day after day after day i wake up and feel this, numerous times durring the day.
Why is it that God wants us to "fear him"?
I don't understand this concept. I hate the feeling of fear in me.
Why would God want his children to fear him?
Why does he want us to feel these wretched feelings?
I hope someday soon my feelings and writings will become more positive.
There is just so much that has come up to question, about life in general, now that mine has fallen apart. Its too easy to inspect each individual piece as i try to put it all back together.
God Bless and Tanks for reading.
~Krystal
After i had Briana a fear started growing in me, a fear something would happen to her, that something could happen to her. I started having bouts of fear, fear of heights mostly.
After Elijah my fear turned towards dangerous actions boys tend to do, and i feared vaccines, illness.
While i was pregnant with Stella i grew a fear of claustrophobia, any confines space would draw me into a panic.
Now since Stella died, i fear almost everything. I could sit in a corner and fear the walls would cave in on me. I fear for my children, their lives, their health. My husbands safety and life. I feel as though i was cursed by someone and i am doomed for living the rest of my life losing or just living in fear of.
I was reading on my DS stillbirth forum, and have read its something that can happen after traumatizing events~ PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) Its a loss of innocence, you now know, that no one is exempt, everyone is subject to tragedy and it happens far too often.
Which i hate knowing, i hate it being on the front page of my book i now write. I fear life now and i hate that. I used to love and enjoy life, now i fear it, i loathe it, some days i would rather not even get out of bed. (Winter may have to do a little more with that as well)
I think sometimes i also fear joy and happiness. I know once i feel something better i will always ride the roller coaster back down, and its usually 10fold. I feel happy and in turn, for days, i feel miserable and depressed. I maybe get one day of happiness or maybe even a moment of it then 4 days of complete depression. Just a flat out feeling of BLAH.
Life in autopilot is not fun, its not enjoyable what so ever. Life in fear is not either. I pray, I pray more than i have in a long time. Yet day after day after day i wake up and feel this, numerous times durring the day.
Why is it that God wants us to "fear him"?
I don't understand this concept. I hate the feeling of fear in me.
Why would God want his children to fear him?
Why does he want us to feel these wretched feelings?
I hope someday soon my feelings and writings will become more positive.
There is just so much that has come up to question, about life in general, now that mine has fallen apart. Its too easy to inspect each individual piece as i try to put it all back together.
God Bless and Tanks for reading.
~Krystal
10 comments:
These are all too common thoughts I have I read your entries Krystal and its like reading my own thoughts. You can believe in happiness and light because they do exist, but we can breed dark, bad things into our lives if we allow ourselves to live in fear. I know I do it far too often its a hard thing to fight. It's why I can't commit myself to any one belief because I don't think we are supposed to fear God, I think we are supposed to love and accept him as he accepts us.
We can control what we allow into our lives. It's hard to understand all that happens, but I think our drive to understand things can sometimes cripple us. No matter what happens to us, no matter how bad or how hurtful I truly believe to survive it and to find happiness again we must find the good in everything. But that's just me. We all choose how we perceive the world. I love you Krystal and hope that you can find your way out of the dark back into the light where fear can hardly touch you :) I struggle with it most often in times like this in the winter when we hibernate inside our homes.
I am in no way a Bible scholar. I am a full time student, who learns more every day. When you asked why we are to fear God, I believe you are reading the word FEAR wrong, as it is stated in the Bible. Since the Bible was not originally written in English, the translations of each word may not be precisely what we see a word as meaning. Fear, for example. We see fear as a very bad thing. We don't like to fear things, it scares us, hurts us, binds us. That is not what God want's us to feel for him. I am going to quote a man named Clark, and post what he wrote, his commantary on the Bible referring to the FEAR of God.
"The fear of the Lord - In the preceding verses Solomon shows the advantage of acting according to the dictates of wisdom; in the following verses he shows the danger of acting contrary to them. The fear of the Lord signifies that religious reverence which every intelligent being owes to his Creator; and is often used to express the whole of religion, as we have frequently had occasion to remark in different places. But what is religion? The love of God, and the love of man; the former producing all obedience to the Divine will; the latter, every act of benevolence to one's fellows. The love of God shed abroad in the heart by the Holy Spirit produces the deepest religious reverence, genuine piety, and cheerful obedience. To love one's neighbor as himself is the second great commandment; and as love worketh no ill to one's neighbor, therefore it is said to be the fulfilling of the law. Without love, there is no obedience; without reverence, there is neither caution, consistent conduct, nor perseverance in righteousness.
This fear or religious reverence is said to be the beginning of knowledge; ראשית reshith, the principle, the first moving influence, begotten in a tender conscience by the Spirit of God. No man can ever become truly wise, who does not begin with God, the fountain of knowledge; and he whose mind is influenced by the fear and love of God will learn more in a month than others will in a year"
So this explains that to "fear" in the bible, is to be obediant, to gain knowledge in our Lord, and to follow what he wants for us in this life. So the Word FEAR would be better translated as the word WISDOM. I am not sure why the word "ראשית reshith" would transfer to FEAR, I can't even pronounce it. I just know that God loves us, and want's us to love others as he loves us. He wants us to be the best we can, to be His hands and feet, to spek His word. AND to be with Him one day. I hope that this is making some sense to you. I would love to get together and talk more on this, we can learn more together.
I will be making 2 posts... I can't fit it all in one, your blog wont let me ;)
Here are some verses that were cross referenced with the word FEAR and the topic that this Clark man was talking about.
Proverbs 9:10 "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
Deuteronomy 4:6 Observe them carefully, for this will show your wisdom and understanding to the nations, who will hear about all these decrees and say, "Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people."
Job 28:28 And he said to man, 'The fear of the Lord--that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.'"
Psalm 111:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise.
Proverbs 2:5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.
Proverbs 5:12 You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction!
Proverbs 15:32 He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.
Proverbs 15:33 The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor.
Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words.
Ecclesiastes 12:13 Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man.
I love you, Krystal. God loves you more.
~Karie
I understand your point on fear since having children. My fear has grown tremendously in doing so. I fear all the time for my family. I have nightmares every night that Josh will die in a car accident on his 1 hr trip home from work and that I will awake to police at my door.
I fear that something will happen to Addison and Connor. I fear about my adoption.. DAILY. I fear about so much. But I personally think, that with more responsibilities, more fear creates itself.
Dont think its wrong to fear, its a normal emotion. What would the world be like if we didnt have fear? Everything cannot be perfect.
In time your fear will reside in a place where you can handle it, but right now its so raw.. its everything that you do that is feared. We all fear the unknown.
I agree, Korin.. and that was something that I wanted to add in my novel length post. We all truly fear the unknown. It is a sad fact. Ever since my hubby overdosed, I fear that I will lose him to drugs or alcohol. I fear sending my kids to school, that something will happen to them and I won't be there to protect them. I fear that I will get into an accident, and my children will live the rest of thier lives without thier mother. I fear that I will lose another person that I hold dear to me. I fear I will fail at my job as a mother, a photographer, a wife. I fear WAY too much. What I, and everyone else, has to learn to do is GIVE IT TO GOD. He can handle what we cannot. This is something that I rmind myself on a daily basis. One verse that sticks with me is:
Matthew 11:30 "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
That is God telling us to give our worries to Him. He WANTS to help us!!! How blessed we truly are to have a creater that loves us THAT much! I also think of the serenity prayer OFTEN, it is my ultimate favorite, because it reminds me that I can't change everything, I can only be what God made me to be, Human.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I am not saying that this will change your fear, if I did I would be lying. If I said that I didn't fear anything, I would be lying. Fear is normal.
I, too, have had a rise in fear since having kids. I was fearless as a child and a teen, really right up until Addy was born and now the idea of my kids wandering in the woods like I once did scares me. As does the thought of them climbing trees. If I could, I would probably put my kids in a bubble to keep them safe. Fortunately, I can't. I say that because I really wouldn't want them to miss out on the good experiences. I just want them to be safe, which I have to give to God because I know that I cannot keep them safe myself, but God can.
I have a devotional that I read daily and there was a devotional about "fear". "Fear" in the Biblical sense means to respect, revere and worship, to hold God in high esteem and worship him in both attitude and action. Since reading this, every time I read "fear" in the Bible, I replace it with "respect" "revere" or "worship" and it helps me not to confuse the Biblical "fear" with "being afraid".
Hi, My name is Jill and I am 23 years old .I came across your blog from the Face of Loss Face of Hope blog. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your BEAUTIFUL baby girl. Oh my, I am on your page and she is just beautiful. I too, lost my sweet daughter, but she was born at 28 weeks due to severe preeclampsia 1 lb 12 oz. She survived 35 days in the NICU, got very ill and then passed away. It broke me forever, and I will forever have a "new normal". I miss her every single day and theres not a day that I dont think about her or wish she were here. I blog as well, www.areasontolivenaomihope.blogspot.com
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. I just found your site and really related to this post.
I fear possibilities and what-ifs. I used to be afraid to leave our house without my boys' ashes, in fear that it would catch fire and I would lose them yet again. I now fear that I will lose on my two surviving sons. I kiss them every night, run my fingers through their hair, and tell them how much I love them. I fear that if I don't something might happen through the night and I would regret it.
I find that I am beginning to act less out of fear, finally. It's just so hard to see all this trajedy around you and not be afraid.
I also wanted to comment on the fear of joy and happiness. It's so bittersweet, isn't it. It's so nice to smile, but know that the price of it will come. Please know, that the highs will last longer and the lows shorter.
Sending my love and prayers,
Carrie
i am so sorry for your loss, krystal.
i hope that writing out your thoughts and feelings is cathartic to you in your healing journey.
you are strong, and you write with great honesty.
blessings to you and your beautiful family.
<3 andrea
Krystal, I pray every day that you will pull yourself more and more out of the dispare and fear that has over shadowed you from all the loss of the past year. I don't think God wants us to have the kind of fear that is stifeling and void of control, but maybe the kind that makes us wake-up and reach out to Him and recognize what is really important! We fear when we are parents, because we are responcibe for something beyond ourself, more things that we have no control over...so we reach out for help and hopefully we reach out for God (or at least find him along the way through those that we reach out too). You see here in all these lovely comments to your post that others feel your pain and know your fears...you are not alone, though you most certainly feel that way. Keep reaching out <3 Mom
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