rooted

So i am not sure how i can get over these feelings i have rooted deep inside of me. I HATE what happened to Stella and hate the fact that my husband doesn't want more children. I hate the fact i have to live with this scar across my stomach, GOD do i hate that. I hate that all i have of my daughter is a memory box and pictures of her dead body, dreams that will never exist, a broken heart and this painful pessimism. I highly doubt i am helping anyone out as i go through this. There is nothing you can do to help out someone who has lost their baby, nothing. You cant bring them back. I may be able to help them feel comforted a little, maybe not so alone in their angst. But i will never be able to help them heal, i honestly don't believe this is something that will ever heal. Just as this scar across me, it will never go away. I know it will fade some, but never fully heal. It is still actually extremely bothersome, irritating, bright red, raised and sensitive. I cant even wear  normal underwear or jeans without it being irritated, as they sit directly on the scar.
I also have such vivid dreams and the one i had last night was aweful. I sobbed uncontrollably through out the night in my dreams because Stella was dead and i couldn't have more children. My sister was pregnant in the dream and didn't want more children but was so happy she could and was very happy she was. She would sit and rub her belly and smile and i would stand by and sob. There were flashes of Stella's dead body in my dreams as well, but her body was more "dead" than i had remembered. People would try to console me but it was a pat on the back and a "You need to get over this already Krystal"
Like what i was feeling was not a big deal, like my goldfish died, not my daughter. Then i would walk away and travel alone down roads, over hills and through the woods. I found Matt in the woods doing the laundry and he then just left me to finish it up by myself, and it was all of his clothing. I sat in the woods folded his laundry and sobbed alone.
I know that most of what i write here is all pretty negative, plain painful or whatever. But that is where i am 3 months 1 week and 3days after this nightmare began.