2/8/11~ beware another negative post ahead.......

I am obviously on a pretty hard down swing lately, a little more today than i have been in awhile i guess. Even though it has been absolutely aweful lately. I hate the feelings and emotions that come along with this God aweful tragedy. It isn't fair to feel like this, even though from what i hear its "normal" for this situation to feel these wretched emotions. I was made aware today that a girl who i know through mutual friends had her daughter Sunday. This girl kinda bothers me, mostly because she was smoking outside of my daughters FUNERAL. I think any person having a child would cause these emotions, but this particular birth is stirring up deep rooted jealously and anger and i HATE it. I cant even feel happy for anyone at this point expecting a child. Maybe its because i know pregnancy does not = a baby? I really DO NOT like feeling negative, angry, jealous, depressed and every other horrid emotion i have endured in the last almost 4 months of this nightmare. I hate it! I am so sick of using that word (hate) but its true. I am being totally consumed by these emotions and grief and i don't know what to do. I pray, talk to God, talk with other people enduring this and its still here. When i am honest with myself, its here. I can go off and ignore these feelings, pretend like all is OK, go on with my life and live like nothing has happened but i would be lying. Then it would all come back and kill me, flood me over and drown me. I really don't know if there is a way to actually feel peace again, like REALLY FEEL at peace. Happiness and all of those feelings were a mirage, a way to ignore the truth that is in this hell we live in. The truth is people die and shit happens. My own husband told me to "just get used to it, life sucks" Guess so. Is there a chance to be happy with out drugs? Maybe that's what i need is a fat dose of bullshit, like xanax or some other stupid drug to make me ignore all this BS. (not too likly but just sayin')
Last night at work a couple came in, the wife was pregnant and the husband ordered a knob creek and coke, the wife than flashed me her pregnant bump and said "no drinks for me!" and asked for hot tea. They were both consumed by her growing belly and kept flashing it at me and smiling. You know what i did, i just walked away. I could tell they were both just taken back by my reaction. I didn't say "congrats!" or  anything that i wouldve usually said, cause that is how i am.....well how i was, all nice and social and happy for everything. This has changed me and not in any good way. A man also came in later that evening and asked me for a goose and tonic, he then told me to make it strong because he had just attended a funeral and drove 10 hours to get to the Grand for a work meeting. I said to him "Funerals are far too common in my life lately" I made him a strong drink and that was that. Well at the end of the night he came back to the bar and asked for a night cap tap of spotted cow. i poured him one and got on with my closing work. After my work was done i was just waiting for my supervisor to return so i could close out so i kinda felt obligted to talk to him. The man, now clearly drunk, started telling me his story. His best friend just buried his 27 year old wife after she had an aneurysm in her sleep. I told him my best friends mother also suffered one and passed last week, her service was Saturday. He went on to say he is not sure what to say, and i told him not to say a thing, just be there. He asked me what on earth could be worse, and i told him. "Bury your daughter, that is worse" Yeah, that was probably not a good statement nor compassionate at all but it helped him feel a bit less sorry for himself i guess. Come to find he has an 18month old daughter and WOULD find that much worse. He nursed another beer and tossed me 45$ and walked out.
I just feel so much out of my character, i am clearly not myself and don't know who i am anymore. I am not who i was and don't really know where to go from here. I am becoming a bitter bitch in the mean time and i don't really like it at all. I need to run off somewhere, alone and rediscover myself before i am lost forever. Suggestions are welcome, cause i am just lost.  I just dont get how much this has all been so IN MY FACE, every situation that causes intense emotional stress is right there in my face through this horrid journey, always there to remind me that its true, Stella is DEAD. I am one of those mothers now. And forever all of these or those "situations" will cause me grief. Its just too much, all of this.

I know i am not necessarily "alone" in this, for there are many woman i have met on this same path, and my friends and family that care so much about me. This song also may not "fit" my feelings to a T, but i feel it, i feel this song today. I feel a little better now that i have cried and got this all out. Thanks for reading and God bless.