My Journey throuh Hell in hopes to find Heaven and my little star waiting for me up there. Warning: Not wirtten in any sugar coated, rainbow farting unicorn style. This is the deep dark, REAL truth to the emotions and feelings that come along with losing a child. You can find Stella's complete birth story --->HERE<---.Thank you for reading. I hope this helps others going through such tragic times as much as writing each day helps me grieve and cope.
Well i seem to be on one of those down swing moods lately. Id imagine its normal after loosing your child and a best friends mom all within exactly 3 months of each other. Work is still causing me great anxieties too, something i really need to move on from and away from. I had a couple that came in last night, they met me back last April, when i thought i was having twins, and were so excited to see me there. We got along great last time they were out and again this time. So i had to review Stella's story, this i know, is going to happen probably EVERYTIME i work. I have customers who come in annually and i am heading for all of my firsts starting this month. I got PG this time last year with Stella, and found out i was expecting march 13th. We chatted for quite awhile (they were only 2 of 10 people in the place all night) Come to find out both of their parents had a full-term stillbirth or a sibling that passed from SIDS after them, and went on to have rainbows after both parents were told they couldn't have more children. The woman also told me she had 3 miscarriages all up to around 12 weeks. :*(
I keep hearing that having a rainbow is one of the only ways to heal deep down inside, and i honestly feel that i cant heal properly if we don't have another child. That i will be sad and lonely and aching for the rest of my days. This aching is definitely not healthy either, most days the anxiety and stress cause me to feel like my heart is literally breaking, and that at any moment i will have a heart attack or my brain will explode, i literally feel that way. I am not sure how i can relieve this stress i encounter daily. I am not too keen on medications either, so i think that is out. No, i know that is out. A vacation and a new job would probably do wonders though. sigh...........
In honor of my best friends mom, my "2nd" mom. Rest in heavenly peace Tina <3
10-17-62 ~ 1-28-11
You are one of the most lovely, beautiful woman i have ever known. Your gentle smile and warm eyes made everyone around you feel at peace and happy. You took me in as one of your own, even though i was the pesty neighbor kid that would show up at your doorstep at 2 years old naked and swim in your boys' pool. The little neighbor kid that fell in love with your family and from the very start was your daughters best friend and will continue to be till the day death would seperate us. Thank you for giving me my best friend, and giving me love and comfort while growing up. For thinking of me always, and being so concerned for everyone else. Youve shown such great compassion and love in your life, and that will carry on in the lives of the ones youve touched in your short 48 years here on earth. Rest in peace Tina, we love you and you will be forever missed. Hold Stella tight up there and ill keep Jackie in my embrace...untill we meet again.
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