Another day, another Bad day.......
I wish i could say i was well, or good, or maybe even OK. But today i am just not any of those. This morning my hubby and i had a little spiff. He has been very critical twards everyone here, esp me and Briana. He is also acting very mean twards me and treating me like dirt. Pushing me to "get over this" in his time. Acting like i dont do anything, or cant do anything "right", i dont work enough, i dont do enough around the house, i am on the computer too much, i dont do enough with Elijah...the list goes on and on and on. I am just SO TIRED of everything. I want to run away, hide, melt, die, whatever it takes to stop this bullshit. I hate myself the way it is, and to have my husband adding to that is making it unbearable. I know he is greiving, and this may be his way to "show that" or whatever but its killing me. I was honostly laying in bed planning out how i would trade in the SUV for a smaller more afordable car w/ no payment, pack the kids into it, take out some money and just leave. Go wherever i could to just get away from all of this and start over somewhere new, where no one knew me and i could pretend to start a new life. Bury this grief forever. It still sounds nice, though i know its not feasable. Briana is getting braces tomorrow, i have to go to that DREADED place i am employed at tonight. i have bills to pay all that BULL SHIT. I need somthing. I dont know what it is, or where to get "it" or even how. I dont want to take pills and pretend im OK, or numb this pain (which has become physical now too) I dont want to be one of those pharmesutical zombies that i know those pills would make me. I may check into some counsiling for matt and I, maybe that will do some good? I dont even know. NOTHING can bring her back, so therefore i feel NOTHING will make this any "better"
Life just seems so bleak and worthless. If there is such a beautiful place like heaven where we can be with the ones we love and feel no pain or grief then WHY THE FUCK are we here? What is the point? Why all the pain and suffering? The loss? Sometimes i wonder if all that heaven mojo, that our loved ones are waiting for us stuff is a way to help us just cope, just carry on with some fulse hopes? Maybe life is just life. Were here, we suffer and we die. Like anyother living being; ants, flies, rats, whatever. Maybe this is all we get? Shit happens and then thats it, you die. I feel like i am wasting my "life" here in WI, giving a shit. Working and wasying my time worrying about it everyday i have to go show up there. Saving money for, i dont even know what. Sending my children to school so they can grow up and live in this fake bullshit world like every other zombie on earth. Work, pay bills, work, school, run in the human race, keep up "the jones", make what they make, save for a house, buy new cars, new clothes, food food food. waste. I used to have such a beautiful outlook on life, so spiritual and ALIVE. I feel like i have died, that woman died and she is gone forever. And i am left with this wretched new mindset, this brutal idea, this dead body i am trapped in. A body that failed me, a life wasted. What is the point? I would like to know, cause i just dont see it anymore. I need somthing new, i need a spark for life again.
2 comments:
I [Katie] am always so hush hush because I never know what to say.. and when I do say somthing I critisize what I said over and over. Never knowing what to say or how to put it... but I am comming to realize that there is no "right" thing to say and that leaves me with this..
How you are feeling and what you are feeling is normal. Shitty and normal. I only know because I feel it too. I am trying to constantly make sence of it all. The WHY of it all.
I never used to "believe" or be "faithful".. I guess kinda, but not really. But now I have complete faith... and I dont even know why!
I dont even know where my new faith came from. It just showed up one day. It dosent make the coping part any easier though, it dosent help me understand and sometimes I want to throw it away {the faith that follows me !everywhere! now}.. but I cant. I have it and trust it completley. What it is.. I have no fucking clue.. but I trust it. Isn't that silly.. sure makes me feel silly sometimes.. because I seriously have so much faith. So much that I dont even know what to do with it. I think I am holding yours temporarily.. because your entire world filled up with grief and have no room for it.
Thats really the only explination, somehow I have to try to figure out a way to give it back to you. With the help of our sisters..
You are the reason I have it in the first place so it only makes sence.. I dont think I am spelling sence right :/
Stella is your guiding star.
You grief is clouding you so much that she is the only light you see and want to see.
You are holding that star so tight. so so tight that her light cant shine on the entire path.. only what is directly infront of you.. and that is causing you to constatly trip and fall. She dosent want that for you.
Lift her name up, lift her light up and let it shine Krystal. Let it show you the path infront of you. Let her guide you. She loves you and wants that love to fill your heart.. to make you want to move forward.
She loves Elijah and Briana and Matt soo sooo much too and wants them to follow you. but you have to lead the way first. They will follow if you lead.
You are strong enough. You ARE strong enough.
YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH KRYSTAL.
I have your faith and will keep it for you untill you make room for it.
I love you forever and ever and ever.
Katie
"I am always so hush hush because I never know what to say.. and when I do say something I criticize what I said over and over. Never knowing what to say or how to put it... but I am coming to realize that there is no "right" thing to say"
I feel the exact same way. When we came to Stellas funeral, I found myself Kicking myself Hard for writhing Love Mike, Shari, Kasyn and "Baby" Pieh. I never know how my being around makes you feel, and I dont want to be a cause of your pain EVER! I dont know how life works or how it is fair that I have what I have, you have what you have Or the next person has what they have. I do However think It would be a great idea to see a counselor, I had some Horrible PPD (I know its not the same as what youre going thru) and Chose to see a counselor instead of amounting to anti-depressants. Im going to be honest... for the First few weeks I HATED it, I left angry, upset, crying and feeling worse than what i had when i walked in the door, but that was my raw feelings coming out. I had to ask my counselor about it to see if i was the only one that would have that feeling when leaving. She said it is extremely common and that means we were getting somewhere. It would be a wonderful thing for you both to do as individuals {alone} with some together. It will help you each get everything out {and make sense of} without having to worry about what you say in front of each other and then come together with some help to help each other understand individual grieving processes. Theres a {Wheaton Franciscan} Behavioral health center in Burlington if you wanted to look in to it. I love you Very much and It kills me To see your beautiful spirit shape shift, but i truly believe it is temporary and that someday you will have that back!
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