4 months

Dear Stella,
Today it has been 4 months since we said hello and good bye all in a day. I feel i never even got to say hello to you my dear. You were gone before i knew it, and everyone else knew before i did. You would be rolling over, cooing, smiling and reaching for toys by now. I could put you in all the wool and one size cloth diapers that i stalked, made and shopped for just for you. Wear you around the hose in all the great carriers i bought and was SO excited to use.  I miss you. I miss the dreams and aspirations i had for you and for our family. So many days i just feel so lost. I should be nursing and changing diapers, stressing about work and having to leave you at home. But now i have nothing but the same old routines i had before you were even conceived, minus the job. I sit home and clean, cook, do laundry and sit on the Internet or read all day. I sit and think about you, all day. I try to stay busy but your on my mind every second of every day. I want to be nursing and changing diapers, i WANT THAT SO BAD. Everything i do is missing you. I hate not having you here.
 I hate how it has tore my heart out, hurt your brother and sister, and saddened your father. WE all miss you. We miss what we should have. I hear it all the time, that things happen for a reason and maybe they do. But i just cant see how this is even right. How this could ve happened for any "reason". It honestly feels SO WRONG. Life is NOT RIGHT. I feel it everyday. The huge gaping hole in my heart and world that is missing you. I feel like i am still pregnant, like we are still waiting for you to arrive. I hope someday, if its possible, you will come back to me. I miss you love.
~Mommy

I have got to keep moving somehow towards whatever it may be that lies ahead. One day.......
My bro texted me and told me to listen to this song. Matisyahu has been an artist i could always turn to and he would open my eyes to things i cant forget living here on this earth. One day it will all be OK.