I have not wrote here in a few days, mostly because some days i really feel like a broken record. I can go into days and feel different, have something different to share and others i am stumbling 5 stairs down and reliving grief i have already expressed here. I know these are feelings i have to love through and they have to change me somehow before i can move on with my life. It is so hard to move on when your looking back so often. I don't want to leave Stella as a memory, she is my child, my baby. I want here here now, with me, growing up, changing with us. All i have left are memories that i have to look back to see, we are not making any new ones as i go along, of her. I can say that i am hoping to make memories with people i have been meeting along this less traveled road we are all on, living the grief of losing our children. I know i have a broken record, and that it will skip and repeat some of this grief as the days go on. But i really need to make sure i do not have it looping forever. I need to move on, because i can not live in this grief forever, it would kill me.
I am returning to work today, another hurdle in this awful path i am stuck on. I am seriously dreading it. The last time i was there i was pregnant, working WAY TOO HARD, and fighting to get my maternity leave. Now they took my maternity pay away and are throwing me right back into the shark pool. I don't think i will be able to handle serving snotty crappy drunk people just to get my pay. I wont take it. I bet the first person to give me crap will be handed a plate full out of my mouth. I wont stand for being treated like shit, i don't care who the hell they are or if i get fired. I really don't give a shit anymore. That isn't the best attitude to go into the "Grand Geneva" with , but i don't give a shit, what more can i say. I am not sure i will be keeping my job there long, but hell, like i said, i don't give a shit. They screwed me over SO MANY times, treated me like crap, stressed me out, in turn i lost my daughter and they took my maternity pay away. FUCK THEM.
I get paid and i leave, if i get messed with or treated like crap, that will be it, i will BLOW my friggin lid. (so much for my "not swearing" resolution. I guess it shouldn't count here anyways. Ill let you all know how it goes tonight. i have knots in my stomach already. : /
1 comments:
I could tell when I talked to you yesterday how afraid you were to go back to work today. I know that a lot of it is the pain of remembering... and the rest is real hatred of that job. In my own opinion (I hope that you don't mind that I have an opinion on your blog page), I think that it is time for you to work somewhere else. You are unhappy there, and feel like you are taken advantage of... which is more than likely true. Honestly, the job doesnt have any perks besides the money, and you have stated in the past that you would rather be happy than have all the money in the world. There are so many employers out there that would be blessed you have you working for them. You are a bright spirited, glowing, beautiful woman! I know that you feel so different from what you would consiter YOU... but you are still you. And I love you for you. It is time to make a change in your life, and I think that you know it. I love you more than you can imagine, sister. Praying for you everyday, Karie Anne
Post a Comment