on the rollercoaster of emotions

So i think i hit my all time high so far on days i felt OK. The only thing i am worried about now is the drop off this hill i have been climbing for the past few days. I can feel it, deep inside me, the urge to just ball my eyes out, curl up into a ball and hide for weeks. There are so many "triggers" that cause a sudden turn in my emotions. Sometimes is as simple as seeing my son or daughter hold a baby, the mention of Stella, pictures (especially maternity photos) anything. Then ((BOOM)) i am brought back. So many bereaved parents express this as two steps forward 5 steps back, and its so beyond true. She is always there, in my thoughts, my feelings, emotions, movements, but she isn't here physically at all. I lost my daughter. Another event i feel is also cause to this emotional flip. Briana was talking with Elijah yesterday during breakfast before she went to school and Bris was talking about sliding on the ice. We  have a river in our back yard and it looks frozen but underneath is rushing water. I asked her if she was on the river and she just blankly stared at me, an obvious yes. I became extremely emotional and was very upset she had gone onto the river when just the day before i had told her how dangerous it was and to STAY AWAY! I told her how scared i was of loosing another child. She also became extremely emotional and cried just before she had to leave for the bus. I felt bad, but i am so serious. That is one of my BIGGEST anxieties right now especially, losing Elijah or Briana. I would honestly die. I also went to goodwill to do some fat clothes shopping, because apparently working out daily causes me to GAIN WEIGHT! WTF?!? and i tried on 11 pairs of jeans ranging from a size 6-11 and NOT ONE fit me. BS! how friggn depressing. So yea, now i have to get the house cleaned and go to work. jolly.  I am going to keep on trying to stay positive, but i am not too sure how well this is going to work out for me.