So what are you gonna to do about it?

Be my light in the darkest of times.

For quite a long time (10 weeks and 1 day to be exact) I have been in a real pessimistic funk. The loss of Stella and the shattering of so many dreams and aspirations can bring on such a drastic funk obviously. But that funk isn't getting me anywhere. I need to start realizing that the future is all i have left. I am not sure how long that time may even be and i really don't want it to be spent in this awful funk. Id rather die honestly than continuously live in this mind set. So my question today is "What am i going to do about it?" ALL if it? The battle with my body, the loss of my daughter, dreams, our lifetime we should've spent together, my job situation, my attitude?  Well, i am not 100% sure what i am going to do but I have started P90X to get my body in shape. Its really kicking my butt and helps get my mind out of the negative and onto something else. It gets my heart rate up and hopefully my weight down. I just really need to stick it out, if i am in a funk, exercise. Tired, exercise. I just have to do it and forget about this aweful funk. And if i need to, cry. Ball my eyes out, cause when i get that out, i feel better. I balled yesterday, i mean sobbed heavily. I watched Stella's movie and cried, i loved her, i missed her, i prayed to her, and when i was done i felt better. I put on her necklace and wore her all day and all night, and i felt better, as crappy as it is to have my youngest child ashes in a necklace.  My job situation is a whole different story. I am sticking it out there, for now. The manager who does the scheduling is letting me stay part time and working with the hours i want to work, which is GREAT! I doubt ill get any maternity pay, and honestly i don't want to fight about it with HR. That would take too much energy and i don't want to waste it on that. I am sure they knew that too when they took it away. I am also sure they figured i wouldn't come back either, but i did.  Ill go into work, do my best, work hard, get paid and leave. I took that job too personally before, probably cause i spent upwards of 60hours there a week! Now its a back burner situation, that i don't have to worry about as much, and i can handle that. I am hoping all of these steps can help mold my attitude back into a positive one. Spending more time with my family and less time sulking or working. Being more productive so that ill feel better about myself in general. Remembering Stella, and doing as much as i can for other families going through this. Together we can heal, we can remember, they can live through us. I hope i can keep up this idea and it forms into a real, living, spirit inside me. Cause, like i said, i would rather die and go to heaven than live in the negative funk i have been in. So that is what i am going to do, i will pray, live, love, laugh, cry, exercise, work, write, help out, hug, kiss, whatever it takes to stay positive.  I am SURE i will have to come back and read this ALL.THE.TIME to remind myself, but if that is what it takes, than so be it. Thanks for reading ((((HUGS))))