Winter can be over already, all of this can be.

Growing up in Wisconsin can be nice. Who am i kidding.... summers are filled with mosquitoes and the winters are cold and brutal. I had bouts of depression my entire life caused by all sorts of crap that happened to me growing up & living though winters in WI caused these depressive bouts to blow up. Its bitter, dark and cold out, i don't enjoy that one bit, so i sit inside and think WAY TOO MUCH. Lately my thoughts are nothing that i should dwell upon for the most part. I wish i could find a way to keep more positive thoughts in my mind but i have this strong pessimistic root that i cant pull out. After Stella passed this root grew even deeper and is even more impossible to pull out, adding on top of being postpartum in the winter and weight that wont shed for the life of me. This isn't an easy thing to deal with, and honestly i don't have a clue as to how the hell i am even still doing this!? This is definitely the hardest winter i have been thought emotionally. I need to get out of this state, this life, this body, this mind. I need something to make me feel different or better somehow. I have no clue what that is, i don't know what to do. I don't even have much energy to do anything. The energy i do have is being wasted on my excessive exercising that apparently is all in vain. I can barley get out of bed in the morning. I can fall asleep at 9pm at night and no matter what, i am not functioning until 10am, ever. Lucky Eli, my 3 year old, has the same schedule and stays in bed with me until 10. Even my dreams are exhausting. I wake up feeling like i have been running a marathon all night long.  I have been thinking a ton lately about moving somewhere warmer, where the winters just are not as long as here in WI.  Where i have a chance and some hope that i wont be this severely depressed for so long. We still have like 2 1/2 month of winter left too. great.  I would love a way out of this mess, but i know i have to live though it, as depressed and crappy as it all is, that was Gods will. For whatever punishment it was i deserved, i have to just endure it, all of this.