More on this battle with my mind and body. I have been excessively exercising for weeks now, daily, no joke. Watching what i eat and working out, all.the.time. And shit you not i have gained weight, 4 lbs over night one day. WTH?!?! I dropped the baby weight with the first 2 kids like butter melting off of a hot piece of corn, thanks to breastfeeding. Now i watch what i eat and exercise and NOTHING. I am a very natural person, but honestly lately i am so tempted to go buy some of those crazy ass diet pills to kick my body into weight loss mode and out of this survival mode. The scar across my abdomen is harsh enough reminder, i don't need this extra 20+ lbs on my ass to remind me daily of what i lost, and this nightmare i have been living in for the last 2 months, 2 weeks and 5 days. The only good thing that comes out of this exercising is keeping my head clear. The depression that can creep in when i am not moving is dark and disturbing. So keeping myself moving helps me keep my mind clear and not just stuck in depression, and dwelling on all the bullshit i have been though. I honestly feel sometimes that i would trade this all back. I wouldve not even wanted to get pregnant at all. All i have now is a depression that is so deeply rooted, a scar across my abdomen, a ton of beautiful baby things i cant use, this stubborn extra 20+lbs stacked onto my ass and a broken heart. I used to think life was all mind over matter, but after this personal devastation i have to live life mindless and pretend like all of this really matters when i just cant feel it anymore. When i spend too much time in my mind, i am heartbroken all over again. So i go along, mind on fire and heartbroken, pretend smile while i ache endlessly inside, just too keep on moving, to keep my head in the game. I hope all of this pain and suffering will somehow help someone else either be grateful for what they have, not feel so crazy as to what they've lost or simply help them somehow. Because what it has done to me leaves me feeling just taken advantage of, hung out to dry or die. Here is to hoping i can do somthing.
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