well....

I'm letting my blog be open again. Not sure why. Not sure if Ill even write here much anymore. I don't think my feelings are going to change much on where I am in this hell, so there wont be a whole lot to read, more than what is already here. Which seems to be a bitch fest of how shitty my life is now that my daughter died and NOTHING will ever change that. I am not allowed to have a rainbow baby so that whole new beautiful spin on this blog will NEVER happen. Thanks. I suppose Ill keep it up here in case, god forbid, another mother has to endure this hell and needs some kind of freak like myself to assure her she isn't "that crazy". Cause I'm obviously more fucked in the head than her. I wish I  had rainbows, unicorns and butterflies to puke all over this page and be one of those mothers who is "accepting" and "positive" about this whole shit fest. but I'm just not. NOT.AT.ALL. I hate this. And the only way I have been able to cope lately is ignore it all. FUCK how I feel and just fucking BE. Whatever the fuck it is everyone else wants and expects. skippy. What a fucking life. So yeah, that is about all. Maybe Ill be back, if somehow I can write something positive here, or maybe post a SOTD or, most likely......... another bitch fest.
I have grown so bitter and calloused over this. HOW can you NOT?!?!?! I REALLY want to know. Without that "Color and counter balance of light in the midst of this storm" I'm stuck in the rain. And its a cold, windy, chill you to the bone kind of rain that I HATE.  The kind of storm you don't get a rainbow from and one you can surely not "dance in" with out dying of pnumonia.