Every so often you hear people telling you to always follow your dreams, follow your heart.
Others (usually military style teaching) reminds you to fall in line.
I have been been torn between these two parables in life.
I am mostly a dreamer, a lover, a poet. I flourish in life when I am following my dreams. Dreams are what keep me working for more in life. Keep me interested and invested.
I really don't like the falling in line part of life. Just finding something I don't really care for, or am being treated like crap in just to have either money or some kind of "retirement plan".
This is a HUGE issue in my life right now.
Give up my dreams and aspirations and find some BS "job" I cant stand and just deal with it so someone else can NOT have to give up their dreams and do the same.
How long can you go on being the one to sacrifice?
Is this what God asks of me in this life time?
Or am I not on the right path?
I really don't know what to do at this point in my life. I do feel though, IF I DON'T do something, I will continue to run like a mouse on a wheel, getting nowhere and feeling sad and sorry for myself.
I don't know why Stella died and I HATE every second of the entirety of it. Was it Gods way of pushing me to do something else in life? I really don't know, because what really happened in I'm stuck now. I don't feel like I can do anything else or Ill fail like I did with her. I feel like maybe I am suppose to be miserable for the rest of my life. Why else would shit like her dying happen? Me failing miserably. Life the way it is? Being asked to give up all that really matters to me in life right now for shit I don't care about right now. I just don't know and it feels so much easier just to give up then to be forced into a life I don't want.
Do you just fall in line and "fake it till you make it" and give up all the dreams that are instilled deep with in your heart? I may never make it.
ten years
6 years ago
2 comments:
I often have to "fake it till I make it". Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it comes to losing a child I don't think it will ever work. There is such a constant reminder of what isn't there.
I think on some level we all have to fake it 'til we make it. After I lost Chaya I had to force myself to get out of the house, even if it meant taking another crap job, just so I had something else to focus my brain energy on. As I healed more, I was better able to pursue the dreams I had become afraid of pursuing since her loss.
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