I feel when people read this blog, people in my daily life, they have a hard time seeing me past this. Seeing past what I write here in conjunction to how I function in my daily life. I have said this a million times here, and I don't think people understand even still. I write about Stella, my grief, and feelings associated with losing my daughter here. It may be super depressing and completely negative, what I write, but understand, I have not found even one positive, one glimmer of light or good in my daughters death. 100% of everything about her dying, how it all happened, what I don't know, WHY, and how my life is shaping since, is horrible. Its God fucking awful honestly and I am the one that has to deal with this on a daily basis.
I deal with my emotions, feelings, triggers, reactions, etc. I know it affects people around me, but that is only when YOU let it affect you. I am not out physically hurting people or intentionally hurting anyone. I am sure one day I will be more accepting of this, maybe. But what I am dealing with now, is hard. It is not easy seeing everyone around you being filled with the joy you were so close to before the universe ripped it all away. Or people who have seen this pain and are healing because they have came to the rainbow after the storm.
-----> See those pics of her, and how perfect she was. I worked my ass off for that , I wanted her so bad and she was ripped away from me, burnt to a crisp of ashes and stuffed in a fucking silver moon that rests on my dresser. And now I have to live with emotions and scars I don't fucking want.
Now tell me who wouldn't be pissed the fuck off or emotional because of that!?
Babies=blessings and dead babies=curses. Simple as that. That is honestly how I feel. Cursed and placed in a hell I have not been able to escape. Yes I pray to God, but nothing changes. So now I am here. Asked to accept things I don't want to, for the sake of everyone around me. (Oh and apparently on their time mind you) Fine, whatever. Like I know whats good for me anyways.
Another thing I ask is that people don't put my pain on their eyes like some fucked up glasses they cant see me through. If you cant see that I do have happy times, that I do have days where I'm happy and peaceful, then Its YOU that cant see me. I do have hard days, times, moments. OF COURSE I DO, who the fuck wouldn't!?!? REALLY!?!? My BABY IS DEAD! But I manage to have good times, I do smile, I laugh, work, play, do things I enjoy. But when you all look at me and tell me everything that is "wrong" with me or how I'm not the same as I used to me, I'm not happy, or I'm depressive blah blah blah. That makes this worse. THAT makes me feel like SHIT. Way to drag on the mood. Why cant people just give people hugs and tell them they are there for them and move the fuck on? Everyone looks at me like I carry a fucking disease around. Like I'm going to infect them if they get too close, or that I am buried in shit and they cant see me at all. My hard days bury any good I have in every ones eyes and I am fucking sick of it. This place isn't my Facebook where I post shit like "Fishing with the family" " Life is great today" or any other BS blurb. This place is where I process the HARD SHIT about losing a baby. This place is NOT ALL I AM. So STOP thinking that!!
I am not the Krystal I once was and that fucking sucks. Its not like you can just turn off the "My baby died" and BAM, right back to where and who I was before all of this. Life doesn't work like that. So please stop expecting this or that out of me and accept who I am right now and what I have to deal with or fuck off. Hug me or walk away. Its your choice. Just stop judging me and chastising me because I hurt. This does hurt, triggers hurt, I am sure they always will. But when you look at me, put this God damn blog aside and see me in that moment. Take the fucking BLM glasses off.
All of this bullshit makes me want to run the fuck away. I know everyone I loves sees me differently and in a negative light because what they read here and are unable to separate me from this fucking blog. That alone makes this place a curse too. My place I feel (felt) I can (could) come and process this pain, but has become a place that makes me only my pain. That sucks. I am more that this. If you cant see that then that is your problem, not mine.
Oh and another thing. Whoever thinks it a good idea to sneak around the Internet searching everything I have ever posted on grief boards or where ever and compiling them in one little file of "how I feel" to use them against me is FUCKED UP!
If you want trust, that is the WRONG way about it. period.
BLM or blogger glasses. If you love me then you would accept me for who I am today and what I have to deal with and not compare me to that awesome carefree loving woman I was before God fucked this whole life of mine up.
OH & Hugs can go a long fucking way, just sayin'.
I love you all.
7 comments:
I know you are putting your raw emotions out there for therapeutic reasons and many see. The anger in your post is evident and it seems like it took a lot of energy to prescribe to people what they should do or what they should and shouldn't say to you. You posted earlier a question about why are there no comments here. No one knows truly what you are going through but you. As long as you share your feelings publicly you will have people giving you advice. Its human nature. Letting comments make you so angry seems like you are just setting yourself up. I'm guessing most don't have a clue what to say so maybe they will give you the hugs you ask for. Those who love you only want healing because they miss you. You lost your baby and they lost you. As hard as it may be to understand right now, be careful not to turn those who want to help away, even if their help is a little messed up. Some day, who knows when, you may feel general happiness again. It is my biggest wish and prayer for you.
Coming from the other side... My Bestfriend Lost her daughter in 2010 as well. Or should I say Former bestfriend.
I Lost that relationship of 17 years because she turned her back on me. After loosing her daughter, she wasn't the same person anymore. I didn't even know her. all I tried to do was support.. I hadn't even had the chance to meet her daughter before she died (sids at 3 weeks old) but I tried to do everything I possibly could for her.. and she wrote me off for not being "supportive enough". I think it was painful to be around me. (I was pregnant, and watched a newborn at the time in my home full time)
One day she just quit talking to me. I couldn't get ahold of her, I then found out the things she was saying about me. I was so hurt.. I'll never pretend to know what happens and how it feels to loose a child.. And hopefully I'll never find out.. But the poster above me nailed it on the head..
She lost her daughter and I lost her. But I was trying to accept what friend I had now, and hope that someday I would see some of the old friend back. She went though a lifechanging exprience and I understood that. I hate that people tend to try and rush people though grief because it makes them feel uncomfortable when you're upset, or whatever. I figure all you really can do is listen and try to be there if they need anything... that includes just leaving them alone if they need to be.. I think people tend to give advice even if they don't want to. It's human nature. I figured my friend needed space.. but she's burned the bridges now and I don't ever intend on being her friend again, even if she came up to my door today, there's far too much hurt now.. And that's terrible. I wish it hadn't went that way, but it is what it is. I hope in the future she doesn't have any regrets about how it went down between us.. when her mind is clearer.. Rough times.
I read your blog all the time. Probably been reading it since you created it because of my friend. She was such a closed up person that just wouldn't share, and the sadder she was, the more closed off she'd get. I didn't want to pry too much, so I didn't. Reading your blog I felt like I kinda had a insight on how she was feeling inside, maybe just a little bit..
I wish that you may feel happy more often than sad someday soon.. but don't try to rush it for other people's sake. I'm sure they are just trying to understand as well. I imagine it's SOOO hard for you.. but it's hard for your friends and family too. They are learning to basically get to know the new you.
I laid in bed all night thinking about this blog post.
Obviosly someone did somthing that hurt you and pissed you off.. that is evident.
I am sorry you are feeling this way, Krys.
It sucks to read such negative posts.. especially ones aimed at the ones you love, and that love you.
I sure hope nobody would ever ask you to find positive in Stellas death. Thats a little crazy.
What could possibly be good about Bean not being here with us? Nothing.
Insead they might want to word it as there still being positive in your life.. because there is still positive in your life.
Not everything good in life died with Stella.
I can surely understand you not being able to find all that good though.
I appreciate the days you smile and thrive to see those days.
I am happier on days where your mood is lifted. It is HARD to see someone you love, tortured by somthing you can do nothing about.
I was the big sister who would kick asses and take names if people hurt my siblings.. WHOSE ASS DO I KICK FOR THIS? For taking your baby away and leaving you broken in a million little pieces.
I have looked for that "person" or a person to take my anger out on.
I am sure you have too.
You can take it out on us, because we are a safe place for you to vent, to yell, to cuss and scream at. We will still love you and be here when that anger has subsided and you are having a better day.
Do me a favor though, don't lump us all into one catergory. I feel this blog post did just that. It put a mark on all of us.
We may not understand how loosing a baby feels.. but we do understand the heartbreak of loosing a niece.. of watching a sister break and there being nothing we could say or do to help her.
We try... and sometimes we say the wrong things. But we still try. See we have never had to do this before either. We are learning through the pain. How do we help? We are learnign the right and wrong things to do.. but we are still trying. We still will love you no matter what. No matter how far you push us away (you are) and no matter how many times you tell us to fuck off.
Try to be as patient with us as we are with you.
You deserve our love, patience and all the HUGS in the world.. and we deserve the same.
I love you.
I dont think anyone is getting the idea of this post and people are taking MY pain offensively and personal to themselves. Oh human nature.
I KNOW the ones I love love me and I love them all. Most times I am not pushing people away,(when I do, I need to be alone and I get prodded at like an animal in a cage) it feels as though more people pull back from me because the CANT see past what I write here! They think I walk around in doom and gloom because I had to vent off some anger or frustrations on my blog. I DONT walk around in doom and gloom, and I do see positive in my life. Some days the grief is so much I am consumed, sure and how the fuck now, but that's not how I am every day. And I really dont understand why people cant understand that!?! I really feel like NO ONE understands me. No one wants to either and I dont blame them.
What makes you think that you are only seen in a "doom and gloom"
Was that somthing someone actually said to you?
I sure didnt.
What makes you think that we dont understand that somedays will be harder than others?
I am glad you vent. I am glad that you get that shit off of your chest. I am glad you can let a piece of the anger, frustrations and pure agony go.. even if it is only a minescule piece.
Like I said, we aint going nowhere.
No way was anyone trying to personalize your pain. I didnt see that in any of these posts.
Vent woman.
I cant imagine your pain. I have said that before.
I love you.
Katie,
Yes, someone (or a few people actually) did say that to me, along with quite a bit of other disturbing words & assumptions.
There ARE people who have been there for me (and I am eternally grateful for that!) despite my rough days and then others who've chastised me for grieving (probably because they are sick of dealing with "it") Some of which hurt me the most because I thought they were there for me and I wouldn't ever imagined they'd say some of the things they did.
I dont want people coming here, seeing this and assuming this is how I think 100% of my day, 24/7.Yet some people, many at times, do. This is not intended to shoot direct bullets at all my loved ones, family or friends.
Some was stated directly at those who've said those things, assumed that and/or took disturbing action upon.
On the contrary, for people who I may not even know or that know someone who is grieving as I and it is something for them to consider before they go at their loved one, I suppose.
It has been difficult becoming the "odd one out" the one with the "issues" and having it be that some can not see past this blog or my dead baby grief and see me, has been even harder. I wanted this place to be for me, for people who have been through this or love some one who has & understand the hardness of this kind of grief. Honestly it is becoming a curse on me. Or that is how it feels by the way some have been treating me.
And when you say "we" it cant be put as that. YOU have been there for me, unconditionally and I cant express how much that means to me. You know you have been, so dont take any of what I said here personally, you should know it wasn't directed anywhere near you. You should be saying "You TELL em' Krystal!" right instead of feeling offended? That is what I wouldve expected from those who care, as you do. Am I wrong?
That is how I was thinking anyways.
I am so sorry that people have made you feel like shit, Krystal.
Thats unfair. I am so srry you had to deal with that on top of the overwhelming grief.
I didnt take anything personally either.
Just to clarify that.
I just dont ever want you to feel that I am not here for you.
The good, the bad and the ugly. I am here for you.
It's scary seeing you type some of the stuff you do.
It's even scarier knowing that you really feel that way.
I wish every second that I could take it away, give you a break from the grief.
I so wish that.
I will never leave your side either.
I love you little sis.
I am sorry for assuming you were lumping us into one catergory.
<3 <3 <3
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