What I need...If I even knew.

So I may have to give up on my dreams, the ones I hold dear to myself, my soul, my heart. Just because it doesn't "jive" with what those in my life feel "I need" or what they want in their lives. So I need to find something else. I NEED to find something out of this day to day work, eat, clean, repeat routine that is driving me batty. I wish there was a little breastfeeding, diaper changing, baby food making in there too but there isn't and that leaves me the time to wish and sulk about that simple fact that kills me...Stella and that entire dream has died and the outlook of another chance at that dream has also died. I live in the " I wish, I hope, I wish, I hope" dream and that is really nothing but a nightmare. I've been denied, and will be continued to be denied, so giving up is probably in my best interest. As much as I HATE giving up, especially when it is something that meas so much to me. I am known for my persistence. But what else can I do? I NEED to find that and honestly I  have no idea where to start. There isn't much else out there that pulls at my heart strings and soul like this dream does. There hasn't been anything that sparked my soul, turned my head, inspired me to MOVE, to do, to love.
I thought about going to nursing school. I have been interested in health care for, well ever really. Nurses seem to be the patient advocate.  The only issue is having to work in any corporate "wealth-care system of America" Which I stand against the average "glorified drug dealer" stance in Americas health care world.  This could maybe give me the in to work it out from the inside out.  Elijah starts kindergarten this fall, so its either school or a new full day time job. Either way it is going to be overwhelming and hard work that I'm not sure I have to gusto to even do or want. Which leaves me again, just living day to day, moment in and moment out. sigh.
I really hate failing at something I wanted SO BAD. I just feel so discombobulated where I am in this life right now. Nothing feels right. So in that, I feel that I can not do anything.
A fear has is also a component behind doing anything, a fear of failing again, and again, and again.
Inside me is so off-kilter that anything I do feels as though its the wrong thing. I shouldn't be here, I am suppose to be doing something else, like breast feeding a 16 month old. But I'm not. So where am I suppose to be. What am i suppose to do?

 I went to my oldest daughters choir concert last night. Sat up in the bleachers by myself and read (this book<----very good so far btw and kind of has a lot to do with where I am in all this....mess of Hell)

Then my daughter, and all of the students she is in choir with, began to sing. I sat and took in every note those children belted out. It resonated deep down into my soul, the sopranos and altos, harmonies and each key on the piano. I sat and imagined myself dancing with Stella, like used to with Eli and Briana when they where small. I cherish those moments. The kids were singing an old American folk song, Oh Shenandoah, which made the tears well. Then just after, a little girl came up to say a small blurb about the next arrangement, To Where You Are. She said that there are many of us missing a loved one who has passed, and that they are always with us, blah blah blah, more tears...... I balled my eyes out through out this entire song. I was the crazy mom in the bleachers balling during her daughters choir concert. Children's voices have a way of resonating into the deepest parts of the soul and dragging out some deep emotions. Those children have some serious talent too. It was quite beautiful to say the least, and I was quite emotional to add to that. 

I'm not sure I will ever "get over" or accept this fact, the end of this dream. The death of Stella. I cant. It feels as though its then I have to let her go, to forget.  I don't want to let her go. I want her here.
I guess i just need a new "pre-occupation" a new dream. But I just don't know what. I don't think there will never be a dream so dear to me that I would be able to give this up for that.  Where is the local dream catalogue when you need it? sigh.......... 

How do you choose, where do you go?
Do you even think about it or "just do it"?
If that's the case it will feel just like this- Auto-pilot.
I feel like I'm still waiting for her...... endlessly waiting. When really I would be just waiting for my passing day. endless sighs........