"What Is And What Should Never Be"
And if I say to you tomorrow. Take my hand, child, come with me.
It's to a castle I will take you, where what's to be, they say will be.
It's to a castle I will take you, where what's to be, they say will be.
Catch the wind, see us spin, sail away, leave today, way up high in the sky.
But the wind won't blow, you really shouldn't go, it only goes to show
That you will be mine, by takin' our time.
And if you say to me tomorrow, oh what fun it all would be.
Then what's to stop us, pretty baby. But What Is And What Should Never Be.
But the wind won't blow, you really shouldn't go, it only goes to show
That you will be mine, by takin' our time.
And if you say to me tomorrow, oh what fun it all would be.
Then what's to stop us, pretty baby. But What Is And What Should Never Be.
So if you wake up with the sunrise, and all your dreams are still as new,
And happiness is what you need so bad, girl, the answer lies with you.
Oh the wind wont blow and we really shouldn't go and it only goes to show.
Catch the wind, we're gonna see it spin, we're gonna...sail, little girl
Catch the wind, we're gonna see it spin, we're gonna...sail, little girl
do do do, bop bop a do-oh, my my my my my my yeah.
Everybody I know seems to know me well
but they're never gonna know that I move like hell.
A post I read over at Glow in the Woods, inspiried me to jot down some thoughts this morning.
The post was about what once was, the dream, the funture we all held dear to our hearts as our babies grew wildly inside our wombs and hearts thus filling our minds and futures with what should've been.
I have a book, one I became obsessed with while I was pregnant. Wondering what day it may be our little girl would join us. What her birthday would be. What exact moment in the universe, in astrology, whould be hers. What was her secret language. Who would she be? My little Scorpio girl.
I would imagine her with red curly hair, a little fire cracker. A little girl with gusto and strength. A girl who could do anything and get anything she wanted. Attitude, a smile that would melt the heart, and wild eyes that were of her fathers. A beautiful green hazel that would pop in combination with her burgendy red curls. I alaways joked about how I was going to handle 2 girls. How I would be so over whelmed with the estrogen surging thourh our house and how the girls woud dominate the boys. I had a place for her that was just fitting. It was perfect. I had imagined so much. All of that fizzled out and became nothing but grief. A large deflated air balloon, incapable of any kind of escape from where weve landed. In a desolate terrain with no marked paths of where to go or how to escape.
October 28th 2010 was her birthday.
(You can read about her birthday and "personality's" by clicking the link above.)
Some of the traits given to people born on this day are to be curious, through, interesting, prying, demanding and cutting. Many of which I would've imagined her to be.
Oh would I have loved to meet her and see her grow into a glorious woman with wit, personality, and grace. I would've loved to see where she would go in life, traveling or becoming a mother. What career path she would've gone down. Would she be an actress like Julia Roberts, one also who shares a birthday with my beautiful Stella. I googled Stella Kaye before and there is a great writer who shares her name who writes about insight into lives of those who have been wrongfully convicted. Another woman by her name died just 2 days short of my girls 1st birthday at a ripe old age. I would've loved to see my Stella Kaye grow old and live a full happy life.
I would've loved to see what physical features she would posses. Would she look more like me, like Matt? How would she compare to her sister and brother?
I wish I knew. But apparently in the grand scheme of things was she to be nothing? Nothing but a ghost, a dream, a figment of my imagination?
I catch myself looking for her in crowds in people, in other peoples children. I look for her so hard it hurts. I look for her dark red curls, chubby cheeks and thin kissable lips. She had Matt's lips, ones just as her grandma great also has. I wanted to know her. I still want to know her. This is just how it is, I don't know my own child, as much as I think I may have, I never will. It IS what it is and what it should be. gone.
And day after day I am expected to heal more, to take this all with grace. Emotionless and sturdy all while I crumble inside over her and what was......
Is this all I will ever know about my little Stella? Some words on a page, a dream in my heart, a growing distant memory, shattered dreams.
I'm not sure I will ever stop looking for her, seeing her or what she shouldve been. Its all a bitter figment of my imagination and I still drown in that sea of dreams.
When you read into her "personality" Her day was given the "Day of Research".
I ponder this often. There was no research, no reason, no medical reason for her death. Is it my job to research this? I have tried and spent countless hours and tears upon this keyboard to figure out WHY this happened. Still nothing will be revealed. I will never know, but I continue to research and ponder her death. A curse I may carry to my grave.
On her birthday page they also include a meditation and a blurb of advice. Both of with I should maybe meditate on everyday.
Meditation: " Learning when to let go and allow for things to happen on their own is indeed a practial art"
Letting go of any control. Which I have been working on myself. Its hard, I'm a Capricorn and organization and control are a strong trait I carry.
Advice: " Cultivate the more gentile aspects of your nature. Sometimes take things as they come without having to study causes."
Huh. Something to think about.
Questions:
*How would you have pictured your child? What were your dreams and aspirations?
*Have you been accepting to their death?
*If so, what has helped you most in overcoming the urge to hang on and research/investigate/ wonder?
(You can read about her birthday and "personality's" by clicking the link above.)
Some of the traits given to people born on this day are to be curious, through, interesting, prying, demanding and cutting. Many of which I would've imagined her to be.
Oh would I have loved to meet her and see her grow into a glorious woman with wit, personality, and grace. I would've loved to see where she would go in life, traveling or becoming a mother. What career path she would've gone down. Would she be an actress like Julia Roberts, one also who shares a birthday with my beautiful Stella. I googled Stella Kaye before and there is a great writer who shares her name who writes about insight into lives of those who have been wrongfully convicted. Another woman by her name died just 2 days short of my girls 1st birthday at a ripe old age. I would've loved to see my Stella Kaye grow old and live a full happy life.
I would've loved to see what physical features she would posses. Would she look more like me, like Matt? How would she compare to her sister and brother?
I wish I knew. But apparently in the grand scheme of things was she to be nothing? Nothing but a ghost, a dream, a figment of my imagination?
I catch myself looking for her in crowds in people, in other peoples children. I look for her so hard it hurts. I look for her dark red curls, chubby cheeks and thin kissable lips. She had Matt's lips, ones just as her grandma great also has. I wanted to know her. I still want to know her. This is just how it is, I don't know my own child, as much as I think I may have, I never will. It IS what it is and what it should be. gone.
And day after day I am expected to heal more, to take this all with grace. Emotionless and sturdy all while I crumble inside over her and what was......
Is this all I will ever know about my little Stella? Some words on a page, a dream in my heart, a growing distant memory, shattered dreams.
I'm not sure I will ever stop looking for her, seeing her or what she shouldve been. Its all a bitter figment of my imagination and I still drown in that sea of dreams.
When you read into her "personality" Her day was given the "Day of Research".
I ponder this often. There was no research, no reason, no medical reason for her death. Is it my job to research this? I have tried and spent countless hours and tears upon this keyboard to figure out WHY this happened. Still nothing will be revealed. I will never know, but I continue to research and ponder her death. A curse I may carry to my grave.
On her birthday page they also include a meditation and a blurb of advice. Both of with I should maybe meditate on everyday.
Meditation: " Learning when to let go and allow for things to happen on their own is indeed a practial art"
Letting go of any control. Which I have been working on myself. Its hard, I'm a Capricorn and organization and control are a strong trait I carry.
Advice: " Cultivate the more gentile aspects of your nature. Sometimes take things as they come without having to study causes."
Huh. Something to think about.
Questions:
*How would you have pictured your child? What were your dreams and aspirations?
*Have you been accepting to their death?
*If so, what has helped you most in overcoming the urge to hang on and research/investigate/ wonder?
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