ten years
5 years ago
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
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We miss you every day
Stella Grace Kaye
In memory of my beautiful little girl, born sleeping on October 28th, 2010. You are forever in my heart.
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6 comments:
guilty:)
probably for most people words are hard to come by...but with that said, sometimes even just a smiley face or a virtual hug could mean the difference for someone reaching out.
so...
:)
andrea
:)
thanks andrea!
I just wonder if sometimes i am too open or honest and people might take it personally, when obviously its me just processing deep grief here. I have no where else to do it. And sometimes i feel a bit different in my grief, like maybe i am not grieveing "right" or something? i dont know. i see so many other blm blogs and they get all sorts of comments. maybe i just suck at blogging?
I was just a little worried that my comments were upsetting you, and you just don't need anything more in your life that upsets you. The comments are supposed to help you feel better and supported. While I meant well, I worry that they may not have been what you wanted to, or needed to hear.
- D
I agree with anonymous. Rarely are the comments that I would offer going to do anything but make it worse. I want to shake you and convince you that there is so much to live for and that God is good and has a plan for you. That you are so loved and need to get to a point where you can continue to live your life productively and not be so blue. If this upsets you that is why I don't comment. Don't want to make it worse.
I just want to state, like I have before, that here is where I process the dark side of grief. I do live my life, every day, I go to work, I cook, clean, play with my children and do things I love. My life isn't as full as it once was, someone is missing. Things I wanted so badly to be doing are missing. I WANT to be changing diapers, breastfeeding, playing with a 17month old. I WANT Stella here and I CANT have that. And that hurts. The reminders and triggers HURT. Grief takes time, and when time rolls on and nothing changes it hurts more. It hurts when everyone can move along in life like she never existed and I cant, and then I'm chastised for still grieving. Or put off. I know no one wants to hear or talk about her anymore, and how its so depressing. But I do. I still miss her everyday and I want to talk about her and how I feel. So I do it here. I feel no one wants to hear it, or talk about it. So maybe i should even have this blog or make it private? But then every one freaks and doesnt know whats going on with me. But still no one will ask with out the inclination that they dont want to know anyways. I would like to hear from other BLM and daddy's. But apparently I offer nothing but despair and grief. I have not found the hope yet. really I have not. Not out of THIS particular part of my life. I dont think there is a way "out" and I wont forget her or leave her behind. I sit with here here and the rest of me moves on in this shit hole of a world living preoccupation after preoccupation until I die and hope and pray God doesnt take another of my children before I get out of here.
I just want to let you know that I very much enjoy your blog. It is raw human emotion and very important for people to see even if they cannot process it. Humans back away from things that make them uncomfortable. I also wanted to let you know that I love reading your thoughts on Stella. I always will. You have a faithful reader with me and talk about her all you like. It's your process. It's your grief and I'm just here to listen.
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