Lazy and Numb

Ive let the world kill my smile and the darkness creep into my soul. Its been eating me alive for the last 16 months, this plague I have no antibody's to defend myself from. My body has been torn down from grief. My life shattered. Like a picture I worked so  hard on..shattered. None of the pieces fit where they should. Other people had a hand or a say in where they thought all these pieces should go and what has become of this I really don't like. Not at all. I feel like I need to start over from scratch. But there is no eraser for a medium such as this. Its permanent. Forever. Distorted in a manner I cant stand. Everything. Absolutely EVERYTHING. I wish this veil in life was never lifted. Ive given up so much. From my hopes and dreams, what I love and care about, how I feel, what I want, what I should do. I held a walk to remember last year and started planning it right around this time. I feel too damn lazy to plan another one. I have no energy for any of it. I barely have enough to get out of bed every day. I work and do what everyone else just expect me to do. Deal with the BS and go through the motions of everyday crap life. My marriage is completely failing. My children are rebelling and misbehaving all the time. I don't feel like I even get to see or spend really good quality time with them anymore. I work and that is all the energy I have for anything.  I feel like someone is literally got a siphon stuck in my soul and is draining every last bit of life and energy from me. My feelings don't matter. So I feel like, fuck it all. What the hell is the point when it doesn't matter to anyone else. I'm in a corner. I'm so done with this. Neck deep in grief and bullshit, there is really no way out of.