Time.....

I just wish it would stop.
After Stella was born and died I would watch the clock. Hour after hour, thinking to myself "Shes been dead for 4 hours, is it possible for God to send me a miracle? IS she really dead?" The clock kept ticking.... She didn't wake up. She just laid there, like a sleeping angel. Looked perfect. Felt warm still from the last 9 months she spent in my womb. She did everything with me, but I never got to see her. Not until she was dead. I watched as hour after hour passed.
Then I counted the days.......
The weeks.......
Every Thursday I dreaded. It made me fall to my knees. I was getting farther and farther away from her. No miracle. She was still dead. She laid in ashes on my dresser.
Then it became months.
The 28th of each month.
She should be 1 month......2 months....3.
She should be smiling, cooing, rolling over. She would fit into this outfit I bought her. God what would she look like? Would her hair have stayed red? Curly? What color were her eyes!?
Month after month passed......
5 months, 9 months....
She should be a year old.....
Would she be walking? I will never know.
Some months even now I lose track. "Was it the 28th the other day? Stella would've been 16months old....... I remember when Briana and Eli were 16 months....But I will never know what by littlest would've been like at 16 months."
When I die will I go back to when Stella was born and life in heaven would be that she lived? Is that when I get to go back and start over? My second chance?
Time just slips by and I'm left in the dark. Its my monthly Bit*h that reminds me. "Your not pregnant, you don't get another chance. You are SO FAR away from that dream Krystal, just give it up. YOU FAILED" 
But I don't want to give it up.  I don't want to be this far away from Stella or my dreams. The shattered ones, the failed ones. And every passing minute I am even farther. How far do I have to get before I can start getting closer? Will I ever get "closer". I just feel SO FAR AWAY.
Where did she go? Where did I go?
Everything is so far and I am a mouse on a wheel. Getting nowhere but farther from where I want to be.