I really wish I had some great things to write about here. But when I turn my attention to this specific subject, nothing is really "good" about it. What happened, how this all happened and how I don't know, How I feel about it all. Not one thing has come up "good" from any of this. It has changed the way I look at everything in life. I can hardly enjoy certain things like visiting my sisters. Don't get me wrong I DO really enjoy spending time with them and they have been so supportive and loving through all of this. The hard part of it is 1 of my sisters had her daughter just days after Stella was born and died, so there is one constant reminder that, even if I don't think about it (which is virtually impossible anyways) it gets me deeeep inside it pulls and aches and makes me miss Stella SO MUCH more, Even if it just try not to think about it and just enjoy her, when I leave the longing creeps in again. Its 100% uncontrollable. Its instinct, natural and its all my own personal issue. I miss Stella. I don't have that, I never will. And for another sister of mine, well shes pregnant. Another thing I wanted, want. Cant have, wont get. I know, sounds so freaking selfish doesn't it? It is. But honestly I cant help it. That is what happens to your soul, or mine anyways, when Stella died, my daughter, future, life, love, dream....gone. I have to pretend it doesn't hurt and learn how to live with it so others don't feel uncomfortable in my presence. Which sure isn't easy and I do avoid (triggers) sometimes, which sucks because I miss what we all had before I had my "incident" or whatever you want to call the shit hell I was thrown into. Before Stella died. Life was good. Now its not and there is not one damn thing I can do to change that or the feelings that naturally come from this shit. I have to just wade it out, live with it. Feel each and every one of these emotions that come along with this kind of grief and pain and deal with the emotions that come along with watching everyone else live the dream I wanted (want) to. The one I worked so hard for and fell short of. I hope none of them take this personally because its not about them. Its me. I'm the fucked up one. I wish I wasn't, I wish none of this had ever happened, I really do. But it has, and I, ME, I am the one who has to live with these bitter, angry, sad, depressive feelings. I am the one who cant feel a pregnant belly anymore, talk preggo talk, attend a birth, or feel the deep joy of holding a newborn because my sadness and grief eat that up and consume me.
I try my best to hide these emotions in public and when we visit, so no one has to see or feel this.
I write here to get them out. My daily cry. To look at these emotions and sort it all out. Which really is impossible. But I try anyways.
Time to put on my happy mask.
Cherri-o
ten years
5 years ago
1 comments:
We avoid those triggers as long as we have to. Some of us have to for longer than others, that's just how grief is. It's not a cookie cutter process, everyone goes through it differently. It's been almost 3.5 years since my Chaya left us. Since then I've had another baby. But I STILL have triggers - every time I hear someone is pregnant with a girl, when I see my niece on family holidays or special dates like the day Chaya died or the day she should have been born. I have a friend who lost a child way back in 1977 and she sometimes experiences triggers, too. It happens. There is nothing innately selfish about avoiding those triggers. It's your mind's way of coping until it's ready to live with it.
Post a Comment