I HIGHLY DISLIKE IT!!!
First off I have been sick as hell the last 2 years, today I have a wretched sinus infection and painful AF and last year I spent it in the ER all night with severe chest pains, which was only my broken heart, something 100% incurable & untreatable that cost us entirely too much $$ for nothing (story of my life with doctors). The year before that is the night I conceived Stella and also the day my husbands aunt died, oh and her sons wedding anniversary.
It is NEVER a good day for me and my husband doesn't "believe in celebrating" it anyways so to me has become a SHIT day I hate and would rather sleep through. No flowers, candy or love. Just sadness, illness and tears. An ordinary day highlighted with an array of tragedy and sadness.
Some people would probably say "Oh its such a great day! You conceived Stella that day!" When all I see is the day my world started to END. The beginning of the END. The beginning of the time I WORKED MY ASS OFF for NOTHING but pure heartache and sadness for the rest of my life.
I know this isn't the most popular thing to say or feel about a child who had died and maybe its a phase in this grief? But I really wish I hadn't got pregnant at all. Id give back all this heart ache, scars, sadness, grief. I really would. I give back this stupid bitching blog, and the walk that just was too much work and didn't do shit for anyone. Id give this all back. I don't understand WHY the FUCK God had to put me though this or Satan or WHO the FUCK did (me I guess if I had any control which I don't so I have no fucking clue), and I am pissed off and sick of feeling this way. Its bullshit that the birth of my 3rd child was the VERY WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I HATE IT. I hate that I cant love her here. I hate that this is just all so fucked up. That it all makes me hate this world. That not one good thing has come from this bullshit. Everything us just WRONG. and this stupid fucked up "Valentines Day" bullshit started it all. I'm stuck in this mess till God pulls me out. But it seems as though hes forgot me here. Nothing is changing. I failed and failure will torture me forever. Especially on this day and so many others. Guess I have to find a way to just fucking forget about it all and brainwash myself into thinking "its all going to be OK" but not really, not until I'm gone from here. What the fuck is this shit purgatory life anyways? I just don't understand. ~rant over.
1 comments:
Your post sort of resonated with me today, because I also have one of those husbands who "don't celebrate V-Day". I don't think flowers and hearts and empty declarations are neccessary, but I think that something small can go a really long way. Some days I just wish that those "I don't celebrate V-day" husbands would realize that there are two people in a marriage. Actually, I wish my husband would realize that most days.
I don't think that you failed, or that you need to just "forget about it." And it made me so sad to see that you felt that "I can't love her here." What a horrible thing to feel. I am so sorry to see that you feel sorry you had ever gotten pregnant with Stella. I wish that there was something I could say or do to help you to deal with this anger. I don't think that you need to give up your grief, or your love and missing of Stella (and yes, I do think that you love her - a whole lot!), but this anger - that I think you could totally live without, and I would take it away if I could.
- D
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