2/10/12

Today is my oldest daughters birthday, she turned 13 today. My husband and I were out shopping for decor, snacks and gifts today for her party and sleep over and I naturally went all out. Matt was getting a little peeved watching as I over reacted to this (enormous) occasion and spend literally every penny I made the night prior at work on this. He kept commenting "You know we can get the regular paper plates and save 3$"  or " How much more are you going to spend on this?"
I wanted to. This is what I do and want to and love to.
I kinda snapped back "she is my only daughter that I get the chance to do this with"
Eli naturally responded "She isn't your only daughter, you have 2, Stella and Briana."
I reminded him though "She is the only daughter I get to throw a birthday party for."
I will NEVER get the chance  to throw Stella a birthday party, I will NEVER get to see her blow out candles on her birthday or see her eyes light up with excitement when she walks in the door after school to see the house decorated with streamers and balloons just for her. Or her excitement about friends sleeping over, or joy towards the gifts we and all her friends gave to her. I don't get ANY of that and I never will. EVER. Not here and NOT  in this life. So let me splurge and spoil on birthdays. If I cant do that, birthdays just become another sad depressing reminder of all I am missing out on. All I will never have with Stella. It makes birthdays my last experience, a DEATH day......
So just let me enjoy the ability to spoil while I still have the chance to.