Lately I have been feeling like just giving up. Giving up on all my dreams once again. Maybe I shouldn't have another baby. As much as I deeply desire and want that in my life, maybe I shouldn't? Maybe it just wasn't meant to be and that is why Stella died? Maybe God was trying to tell me something? Maybe I don't deserve it? <--- that is how it feels!
Maybe I just need to sit here like the quiet meek wife and live out my husbands plans and dreams. isn't that what the Bible implies anyways?!
I'm sure I wrote this same blog once before. And I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing the same bitching and complaining from me. (that was mentioned before)
But shit, this is HARD! Its hard to be denied your strongest dreams and desires, ESPECIALLY from your own husband. You would think that he would be the ONE person that desires to make you happy and give you just what you dream of in life. Well, not this girl's.
This is a HARD freaking "decision" To give up on yet another dream of mine. For someone who doesn't even care to see or give me mine. Selfless and HARD. I want to be the selfish one and say FUCK NO! I WANT THIS AND I'M NOT STOPPING TILL I HAVE IT!
But I wont. Ill sulk and internally desire this for the rest of my life or until I just "forget about it".
How do you just "let it go?" A dream? A deep down aching desire? Can you? Will it just eat me alive for the rest of my life or until the resentment eats me alive and I end up divorced and then its too damn late anyways to have another baby?
Do I even have a CHOICE?!? Is my whole life just planned out anyways and I have no fucking say in what the hell goes on? Why should I care? What the fuck do you do in life then?
Blindly follow and husband who doesn't seem to have much direction to begin with unless it favors him?
I just don't know what the fuck to do.
I suppose this is where I just give up.
I don't seem to have any say or choice. Life will happen as all those wish it to and God plans on it. I have ZERO sway in my life. that is how I feel today. Giving up. sigh......This life just doesn't seem fun or happy anymore. Just work. Hard, underpaid, overly exhausting, ever good enough for everyone else....WORK.
And what I do is never enough.
This way of life is making me calloused and bitter. I don't want to be here and do this anymore like this. Where do you go from here? What the fuck is my choice? Do I even have one???
ten years
6 years ago
2 comments:
I am sorry. Don't have any advice. This is such a tough one. Because there is no compromise on this one. You deserve to have what you want, and in a way he likely deserves to have what he wants. But you can't both have what you want. So, yes, it does majorly suck. I am so sorry that you are feeling so powerless, it is an awful feeling and no one should ever have to endure it. I would think that at the very least you would have every right to bitch about
feeling that way, so bitch away. <<>>
- D
Either way you look at it you are making a choice.
Be it the choice to not have a choice or the choice to choose.
I think God has a plan, yes. Indeed.
But an overall plan. One we are allowed bending room in.
I think that you either choose to live out the rest of your life doing things that feel right and make you feel whole or you make the choice to fill up others while you yourelf drain..
I love you.
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