Hope and Faith

Being tested on these two aspects in life have proven to be the hardest tests God has thrown onto my face yet. Both had been broken by the loss of Stella. A child I failed on bringing even into the world for a breath. I am now on a journey to restore these two aspects in life.

Define Hope~


hope  (hp)

v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes

v.intr.

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.

v.tr.

1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.

2. To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.

n.

1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.

2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.

3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.

4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.

5. Archaic Trust; confidence.


 

I HOPED and prayed for Stella to make it into this world alive, from the moment of conception till the moment all went black. Hope was shattered. I desired to have another child, to nurse, cloth diaper, watch her grow with the astonishment only children have for this world. Shattered. I had trust that God would bring her here safely, esp after putting me through an emergency C Section when i had HOPES for a home birth. Shattered.

#4 gets me the most at this place in my grief. I am a christian and believe in God. But what, on this aspect, is there to look forward to? My husband doesn't want to try again for another baby. My hopes on this seem to be forever shattered. So i secretly hope God provides us with another child against my husbands will? Live off of the whatever happens, happens for a reason? I suppose ignorance is bliss after all.

Define Faith~

faith

   /feɪθ/ Show Spelled[feyth] Show IPA

–noun

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.

2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

3. belief in god or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.

4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.

5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.

6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.

7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.

8. Christian Theology . the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.

Faith, as defined, has also tried me during this dark chapter and still does. I have faith, as i do believe in God. But as faith defined here, i have lost confidence. I have lost the confidence in knowing everything will be OK, here on earth anyways. Death, sometimes, seems much more comforting than living in this hellish world.

Confidence is something i used to carry with grace. Now i feel like i walk around with blinking lights above my head that say "BROKEN BEWARE" And have no faith that all will be well wherever I go. I have awful anxieties about this. Where can one restore these feelings of confidence in faith after such a low blow?

Talk about a rude awakening. If someone knows of scripture to help me during this trial in restoring my faith and hope on these aspects i mentioned, please share. God bless, i sure HOPE no one else has to travel these desolate, trying roads. And if your one of the mothers or fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents or siblings who are, (((HUGE HUGS))) This SUCKS. But together i am sure we can find some kind of peace.

thanks for reading and God bless.

~Krystal.