Today i am feeling pretty glum. Its been 1 month, 2 weeks and 1 day since Stella born and died. Some days i can feel a new kind normal and others a complete feeling of loss. Today is one of those loss kinda days.
There is a new member on the Daily Strength forum i am on. I was reading some of her journal entries and it brought me back. I really don't understand why this happens and to SO many people! The statistics are somewhere in the range of 1 in every 150-200 births are still births! I feel that is just completely outrageous!! And SO many, TOO many go undetermined. There is no known cause for them. HOW, with science at the range it is today can these births and deaths be unknown to their causes?!?! It angers and confuses me to no end. I think i am even more upset lately because my husband told me he is against having anymore children. So now i feel i was completely robbed of my last child, my last chance to be a mother of an infant. Last chance to nurse, to cloth diaper, to swaddle, to birth. GONE. How can God take that from me? How can my own husband take anymore chances away from me after such a devastating loss?! Losing Stella was a depressing loss in itself, but now adding the fact I may never have more children is even more of a loss and depression I don't want. I don't know what to do. I know how i feel and that is not good. How can i change these feelings of loss and depression into excitement and love once again if i can not have another child?? Sure makes me feel pretty useless, empty and alone.
2 comments:
I'm with you. Today is a yucky day for me as well. There is a memorial service for babies who have died at the hospital where Adelyn was born tonight, and we are going. First time I've been back since - so I'm sure that's why I'm feeling sad. Although my husband is on the same page with me for another baby (as in when it happens, it happens) - I feel like Adelyn was my last chance to have a little girl. I just have this strong feeling that I am going to have a boy next time, and I will love him as much as I love both my girls, but it will be really hard to let go of all the girly stuff that I thought I was going to get to use again.
((((HUGS)))) Lisa, hopefully you get pg again soon, baby dust your way!! <3 I WISH i could use Stellas stuff. I put SO MUCH time, love and energy into buying and prepping everything, so depressing :( I hope you two stay strong tonight and good luck at the memorial <3 I spent my entire day in my jammies making Stella a memorial video. I will post it here later when i finish it. HUGS lisa~!
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