Warning: This post contains a personal emotional vent filled with raw feelings.
What does it feel like to loose a child? Well, for me its like my entire world just stopped. Everyone else is spinning happily on this world we call home and I'm watching from this desolate cold place called grief. I am sure that is how it feels to lose anyone so very loved. I try everyday to put on a face, and go through the motions of a "normal" woman, mother, wife. I try going out and socializing. drinking numbs you for so long, then depresses you again. I feel like going out and "celebrating" just isn't right anymore. What do i have to celebrate?? I gave birth to death. My life seems so very insignificant now. I have no control over what happens next in my own life. I cant drink and be merry. I just am. I am just here, breathing, walking, eating. I don't "live", i don't celebrate, i don't have much happiness left inside either. I would like to, but i don't. Life is just NOT what it was suppose to be. I DREAD returning to work and putting on that happy face for all those snobby, picky, inconsiderate, rude, drunk assholes everyday. To go back to being "owned" by the Grand. Too tired to wake daily after working all night on being fake to get paid. To know i am not coming home to nurse a little beautiful baby girl. To know it'll be just like every other day since this has happened. To know sometime during the day i will have to hide and cry. To know that these feelings are stronger than any positive affirmation i try to tell myself everyday. This for me feels like the hardest, lowest blow God could give to me. The whole thing. It is everything i didn't want this to become. People can tell me over and over that "God has his plans" or "everything happens for a reason" and i think its BULLSHIT! How the hell can someone come at me and say that my child was suppose to die?! That she didn't belong here?! How is it children whose parents could give two shits about them and abuse drugs and alcohol their entire pregnancy make it, but my Stella not?? I didn't abuse anything. I worked WAY TOO HARD, that's for sure (another reason i dread going back to that shit hole) The only time i did have to spend with my daughter was wasted working my ass off for nothing. i was robbed. I should have a body cast so everyone can see how broken and hurt i really am. But i don't. I only have an empty heart, empty arms, 25 extra lbs. and a huge scar across my abdomen. I'll sit here and sob while the world turns. Someday i may hop back on, but for now i really don't belong anywhere i go so ill stay here in my own little desolate corner of the world. That is how i feel. Ill keep on trucking and going through the motions, ill put on my face everyday but deep inside I'm broken. My earth was shattered.
2 comments:
Sounds familiar. I've had most of those thoughts. I am down to my last 10 lbs and everyone keeps saying "it's only been 2 months." Yeah I don't care - I have no baby and 10 extra pounds along with a saggy belly! yuck. I have to say work isn't all that bad, but I work with little kids and they cheer me up. I will say that at times I come home cranky from putting on my happy face all day. But other times, it's not a face. I'm actually laughing, honestly. How can you not sometimes with kids? I hope you feel better soon. It's been very up and down lately for me. I try to think about what I do have, and only about the present. When I start thinking about the past, too far into the future, or comparing myself to others, I get into a bad place. HUGS
Lisa~ I sure do miss woriking with kids. I used to be a day care provider for 10 years but had to "move on" because i had to make more money to provide for my family at the time. Now i am a bartender at a resort (chicagos playground in WI) and its aweful. I get treated like CRAP, but the $$ is great. what a sick sad trade off. :P Another thing i am having a hard time on is my hopes for a rainbow. My significant other is pretty against it alltogether, so hope on that aspect seem shattered. Thank you for reading my blog Lisa. I also enjoy reading yours i hope in the next 4 weeks i can start feeling a bit more optomistic, but as for now the weeds feel pretty thick where i am at. ((HUGS))
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