blessings

I am not sure how many people realize just how much each child is a blessing. It really takes A LOT to get a child here into the world safe and healthy. I was looking as some statistics the other day and in WI alone 75 babies, daily, are born still. That is about 1 in every 115, just in WI!
Then to think about conceiving. There are people i know that have been trying for YEARS to conceive. Woman only have about a week of being ferlte, the body temp has to be just right, the cervical mucus has to be just right. It takes more than people think. My husband and I have had 3 children in the last 14 years of our relationship, only once using the depo provera shot after we had Briana at the ages of 15 and 16. For about 9 mos.
I have been blessed with 2 living, healthy children. and Stella, even though she is not with me here on earth, is a blessing too. Its hard for me to see just why as of now because my grief is casting shadows over my entire life right now. But i am sure there has to be some reason God took her. There has to be........
I was thinking of her last night (suprise suprise) and the day she was born came flooding into my mind again. When i went into the Dr. i was alone. And Stella was there, her HB was perfectly normal. When Matt arrived, that is when shit hit the fan. She stayed with me so that i wasn't alone when she left. I am not sure how i wouldve reacted if that day had panned out any different. Its hard to believe, but i am sure i would be far worse than i am now. I battle with reasoning behind this tragic daily, and how that morning played out, makes me want to believe she left to bring Matt and i closer. We have had such a trying relationship. Hit statistics not many people see. We are both so very different and see life differently. God took our daughter to get our attention. To take a different view on life. I know i see life differently and now yearn for something to change. I can NOT go back and continue living the way i was, i don't fit into that life any longer. I am dreading going back to work too, cause that is ALL I DID, work work work.  Matt is still DJing, and living life as he did, and is putting MORE energy into that life, his life, not our life. He works and he DJs. Not much energy left for family after all that IMO.  This will surely make us or break us. And its all still teetering..... I love him, i do. But i cant go on with life when i feel like i am stuck living like we are.  I am not happy. Most days i feel VERY sad and lonely. Even when he is here; on his computer,  down in his DJ room., over at his buddys or off with his own plans.  I wish he would come to us, come with us, take US somewhere.  Come home and wrap his arms around this family he is blessed with, wrap his heart and mind around US and not his hobbys or his plans.
Either way life goes on, and i am just here waiting for something to give out again, or something to happen, or life to start again. There is no sure way i can turn. I am just here and blessed, somehow.