2 months

Dear Stella, 
                    You would be 2 months old here on earth today. Smiling, cooing, hanging with your bestie Addison......But your not. Your somewhere up there, over the rainbow, through the clouds, in the sunshine, somewhere else other than here on this earth, in my arms.
 I packed all of your clothes, bassy and cloth diapers away yesterday. I think i am still numb, i usually get hit with the emotions days after the fact. The last two days were horrible, the aftershock of your first Christmas with out you.  I had such beautiful clothes and diapers for you. I had a wonderful mai-tai i just couldn't wait to carry you in. Addison got a little ride in it, so that was nice i got to use it once. I don't know what to do with all of your stuff. I really don't think i can ever get rid of it or sell it off. It would make me feel like we were getting rid of you somehow, and i cant let you go. I love you far too much for that. I also packed up my maternity clothes, those now i think i can part with. Although i still cant fit into my normal clothes, i cant bear to wear those maternity clothes any longer.

 I really wish we had some kind of answers as to why you left us Stella. I feel so guilty somehow, if it wasn't some kind of medical reason behind it, i feel that my body just failed you. I failed to get you here for even a breath, and that makes me hate myself. I wish i could see some kind of silver lining to this nightmare, i cant believe there even is one at this point. Life is just so messed up. I have less then a week and i have to return to work. I am seriously DREADING that.  While i was pregnant with you, i wasted so much time there, i worked my body way too hard and in turn made your home inside me stressed and apparently toxic. I now hold a grudge on that wretched place. I would give back every penny i made there to have you back in my arms. I wouldve rather sat on my butt and gained another 50lbs just to have you here, alive, healthy and breathing.  Was what i have just not good enough? Did i just not deserve you? I just don't know and never will, and that sucks. I love you Stella, please keep watch over your Dad, sister and brother. Keep them safe, i couldn't handle losing another child or your father. Put in a good word with the big man, i hope i can join you there someday my little girl, my star in heaven.

Love, Mommy.