The holidays, Ive read, are the hardest time of the year for people who've lost some one close to them. I have now discovered for myself how truly painful this all really is, this time of the year especially. Ive noticed, for myself, that i can make it through "the moments"( like the funeral, Stella's EDD, the birth of my niece and nephew, holidays, birthdays, any kind of celebration or social event ect..) But then the aftershock comes and that is what really gets to me. I enjoy being with my family, i do. But the joy just doesn't run as deep as it all once did. I know in my mind what i enjoy and what makes me happy. I just cant feel it like i used to. The pain is all too intense and masks all the joy life once brought to me. And days later the realization of this nightmare hits me like a ton of bricks. It'll never go away, what happened to my little girl, to my life and dreams, to my family. I may have a day or two or maybe even a week ( i have yet to hit that rate thus far) that i can feel "OK" and go through all the motions of everyday life with out a breakdown. But it always finds its way back into my heart and mind, the shitty reality of life. The aftershock will always come back. I can never live this life again in the same joy i once did and that is depressing. Life with out true joy is depressing. To not be able to be the wife, mother, friend, daughter or sister i once was is depressing. I am forever changed, scarrd, altered.
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