A Choice?

Day 5

This is one choice I really wish I didn't have to contemplate day after day. I have a choice to get out of bed and do something with my life despite the fact that life gave me no choice to keep my daughter or send her to heaven. I do have that choice I suppose, but really, I dont. Everyone has a choice to live selfishly through life or not, many people do. I cant. This is the hardest time in my life to have to make those choices day after day. Grief is work, hard work. Today I cant stop the tears from falling and I want to climb back into bed or drop dead somewhere. But I wont because my handsome little man just waltzed up the stairs and is sitting next to me cuddling. He needs me.

I have a choice to help others in this grief as well. Sometimes I cant because I am so overwhelmed with my own or I am having a really hard day (which is often). But I try. I hope this blog helps people at least. I am trying to help myself with it and trying to stay positive, but I cant do it everyday, all day. I am trying.

There was a question on the S.O.B.B.S. FB page this morning asking if we would change our story. If we would go "childless" to escape this grief. Everyone on there stated that they wouldn't change a thing....but me.
Not like I have a choice, but rhetorically speaking  I would. This was the Q and my response:

Sobbs:

Hemingway was challenged to write a story using only six words. He wrote, "For Sale: baby shoes never worn".

If you could re-write your story what would it say. Would you have gone childless to forgo the grief you now know?

 

Me:

 This is hard for me to answer. Because there are definitely some days where I would. I hate this grief, I hate my Csect scar, I hate the fact I can not have my daughter. I hate that I am a part of all of these dead baby clubs and I hate the fact that my innocence was shattered to the point that I now hate life. I dont like this and I wish I didn't have to be a part of all this. I care and love many of the people that I have met, but I wish I never had to. Its selfish, I know. I love my daughter, but I am a complete fuc*ing train wreck because of this. & I really dont like who I have become in comparison to who I was.

If I had to write a 6 word story mine would go like this:

"For Free: Mom's heart, forever broken"

 

It  is a selfish choice, but I really have no choice in it anyways. I will NEVER be able to escape this grief and my daughter will ALWAYS be dead from this Earth and this lifetime.  

 

As I was falling to sleep last night I started dreaming of Stella. I was holding her and talking to her. She was 7 months old, as she should be and I said to her " Lets go put on all those cute clothes mommy has for you".

I got up to take her downstairs and slipped back into reality. For a second it all seemed so real.... But I was still broken and laying in bed. Life is so cruel.