6/23/11

Stella, Its been 7months 3 weeks and 5 days since you left my womb and my life. I have been having some really rough days again lately. I miss you so much and what "should have been". I want that so badly, I want YOU. I don't like what has become of my life since you left, my perspective on life in general either. I feel like I have lost so much purpose and am living through one occupation to the next just to get through the days. I have lost all enjoyment in life. I just don't enjoy anything anymore. My heart is so broken. I wish so deeply this had never happened. People always say "God doesn't give you what you cant handle" I think its bullshit. I CAN NOT handle this or what is becoming of any of this. People just say that to try and brainwash you to this you CAN handle it or that your "strong enough". I am not. This isn't working and I am so broken its just sad. Your father is not willing to try again. I almost feel as though you will come back to me some how in the form of another child. I had a dream last night we did have another baby and that child was a boy. We named him Jeremiah Thomas. I remember being so in love with him but also so sad he wasn't you, or a girl so that I could finally use everything I prepared for you. I put SO MUCH work into that, into everything for you. Was it just not good enough? Why did you go?? Why? Why was this plan set forth to destroy me? To break me into a million pieces? Everything that has emerged through this pain is so ugly. I have become so ugly and depressed and just hate life now. What good is that??? I feel so robbed and left for dead. Id be better off then living this continuously for who knows how long. I feel purpose-less. Denied. Failed. I cant say I feel dead because apparently it is WAY better then feeling all this negative emotion. Death is a release. I am trapped in this. Set forth to suffer. Why? So either I just need to "get over this" and pretend like life is some magical bullcrap or what?  That is it? What am I missing besides you, me and my hope? I know you'd want me to be happy or whatever. but I am not. How can I be? I love and miss you Stella. At least you will never have to endure this. I am so sorry I am so hurt and angry today.  It is what it is and that sucks.
Mom.