7

I am a few days late on this post. I haven't been on the computer too much this weekend because of just being too busy. I worked all weekend and had so many different plans because of Memorial Day. Despite being overwhelmingly busy i still had quite a few really rough patches through out the weekend. This is my life now though. I can have a good day here and there but deep down i will never be "OK" or "better". I am forever seriously broken. Saturday we took the kiddos to the local fair and seen a little family circus. I loved it. Both Briana and myself got to go up onto stage to assist in preforming tricks. That was interesting. The one I did was a "mind reading" trick. The 6 year old who preforms it was eyeing me up the second she walked onto the stage and picked me right out of the crowd. She had me and another kid pick a word out of  10 and imagine us holding it while she guessed. She was spot on with both of us. I could tell she had some sort of clairvoyance talent for sure. Saturday was Stella's 7 month and I obvously had her in my head all day and my heart ached. If anything i am sure the little girl could pick up on that. 
I am not even too sure what to write today. I was going to write this yesterday when I had umpteen million things running through my head and felt somewhat inspired. Today i am feeling very blah. Just aching for my daughter. I had a few nightmares this weekend as well about a girl i know who is pg loosing her baby. I am so scared for all the mothers out there who are pregnant. Many will go on to have a full healthy pregnancy with a baby to bring home but 1 in 115 just here in WI wont. That kills me. Breaks my heart. Makes me angry about life in general. How it can just fade away. Why would God give us such deep emotions to have them ripped away constantly. Life isn't life, life is death. That is all we are promised and that also breaks my heart. Stella's tree died. So much for that. My other plant here on my side table is also dieing and i dont know why. I cant keep a plant for the friggn life of me anymore when i used to have such a green thumb. I look at it and am just reminded of how much i suck at this whole life bit.

I miss you Stella and honestly cant wait to see you again and depart from this "life". I sure hope there is somthing after this and I do actually get to see you. I love you.