I am heart broken, my hope is gone.
My husband and I went to counseling last night. He blatantly stated he does not want anymore kids. He is done. He wants time for himself and doesnt want to "waste all his life raising kids".
My children are the only reason i care to live at all. I was running on the hope that i could someday raise another baby. I want SO badly to breastfeed again. To cloth diaper again. To see the eyes of a child i created in my own body. To hear them cry, to soothe them, rock them, love them and watch them grow. I WANT that and he is taking that chance away from me because he is too damn selfish and only wants time for himself. A few days ago he told me that he would let me have another baby if i let him do what ever he wanted. Now its none at all. No chance. gone.
I now feel that i am wasting MY time and life on HIM. Its always about HIM.
I want that so badly and he wont give me that chance. My heart is broken and my hope was thrown away. I need the chance to "redeem myself" to know that i am not a complete failure, to know i am capable still, to maybe feel like im not totally damned and punished for life. It feels like he is extending this punishment. I dont think i can feel happy in this marriage or life in general if i dont ever have that chance at hope again. So mant stillbirth stories i have read has gone on to have their rainbows and been able to move forward in some for m of peace or another. I dont know, maybe i am just fucked in this life.
Take it all, its all about you anyways, i must have forgot. My bad.
1 comments:
I'm so sorry, Krystal. I'm sorry that you are going through this...and being kept of your dream. Maybe things will turn around? Maybe he'll change his mind and realize it's what he wants too? Give it some time. I will pray that things turn around for you. Sending hugs to you.
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