I wish I could just tear my chest open and spill out all this pain and anguish that festers underneath my rib cage. The sadness and negativity, the burning fear and deafening anger. The pain of this heart that was tore in half. I pray, consistently I pray. IS that God telling me to "just get over it"? Is it this monster that took over my soul? This sad crazy monster? How can I continue to live with this monster in me? I feel so angry and bitter and I hate it. I cant forget what happened. I dont want to forget my daughter. She was the end of me, how sad is that? Children should be the beginning of a mother and not her end. I feel so helpless. I want to be happy, I want to be me. But I dont know how to be happy and have no clue who I am now...so how is this possible? I just am. And what I am I dont want to be. I wish I could be the woman everyone else wants me to be, but all I see and feel is the monster with in. The sad, bitter, angry, depressed, lonely, hopeless monster that ate my heart. How compleatly freaking sad.
3 comments:
I so understand where your heart is. This first year is SO hard. No, you are not to just forget her, she is a part of your life forever. You have to reach deep inside of you and find hope for your future. God has a plan for you, GREAT plans! You are worth so much. DOn't give up on yourself!
I tried to leave a comment last night but I messed up somehow and lost it... I just wanted to say I read Stella's story at Mothering Many Feet. I was just so touched, and cried, you sound like such a wonderful lovely person and so full of love for your daughter. I was just so blessed just reading. I am 35wks along and expecting a little girl too, just like yours she moves so much, and I could just so relate to you sharing how you love her and were dreaming of her and preparing for her.
I am so very sorry that she died. I just had to come back here tonight and tell you how you have touched my heart and how I am thinking of you and praying for you. 'Hope that's okay. :)
(((((((((( hugs )))))))))))
Who is the woman "they" all want you to be?
Who are "they" and what does it matter what they want?
All I can do is speak for myself and I never fall short of doing that,, even if I end up with my foot in my mouth... sometimes.
I want you to be happy. I want to to feel the love that we send you every second of everyday. I want you to feel that Stella wants you to be happy.
Being happy dosent mean you forget Stella or that awful way she was taken from you.
It dosen't mean that you love her less or miss her less.
Being happy will show Briana and ELijah that life IS grand and worth living.
Being happy is tough though. It is a big step and somthing that you are afraid of.. I believe.
I think that you think that if you allow yourself to feel the sunshine on your face that somehow you are betraying your baby because she can't feel the sunshine on her face... but Stella IS the sunshine.
I think that you think that if you allow yourself to take a deep breath and let out a HUGE sigh of releif.. that you are moving away from her and the air she didn't get to breath... but Stella IS the air Krystal.
She is all around you.. the flowers you see, she puts them there for you.
THe stars in the nights sky twinkle.. just for you. Stella is all around you. You are living for her.
Take it Krystal. Run with it. Take her places, show her things.. through Elijah and Briana she sees how much you love her.
We love the woman you are.. all of us do. We are all changed.. all of us are different. I sometimes hate the anxiety that I have gained... and the whole "anything can happen" motto that has been following me around. I cry at the drop of a dime.. and usually it's a daily occurance, But I still am learning to embrace the new me... she is looking for the new you, too.
You are NOT a burden. Never will be.
THe monster in you is the monster in me and you have to fight it, Krys. You have to be strong and know that you are loved NO MATTER WHAT you are feeling.
Being happy dosent mean you are leaving Stella behind. It means you are ready to show her the world through her brothers and sisters eyes.
She lives through you.
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